vendredi 28 mai
Dear [reader],
Thank you for your recent email. As you can probably tell, I am a swamped with non-weblog activities at the moment, and therefore not keeping the most careful maintenance of this site.
You commented on my [lack of explicit sex/lack of work updates/poor spelling/bad attitude] and offered useful advice to [give out my contact details/find a new job/throw myself at the first willing man who passes/admit I am really Toby Young]. I appreciate the feedback. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, there is very little going on at the moment that I feel comfortable or able to write about here. Your continued patience is appreciated. It's also worth pointing out that [there are other things to read, try some/this is a free site, count yourself lucky to get anything/patience is a virtue/you're reading a whore's weblog, you expected maybe Milan bloody Kundera?].
Those of you who have [offered to write my book for me as you are obviously so much better qualified to do it/sent a link to your site asking what I thought/emailed for relationship advice/emailed for book recommendations] have not yet received answers. I apologise. It's because I [can write it myself, thank you/haven't had the time to reply/don't know how to solve your problems/am reading The Iliad].
Those few who have threatened to [move on to other entertainments/un-link the blog from theirs/go outside and enjoy the sunshine] move me not at all. Do whatever you wish. I'm not your flipping trained seal.
{{/usCountry}}Those few who have threatened to [move on to other entertainments/un-link the blog from theirs/go outside and enjoy the sunshine] move me not at all. Do whatever you wish. I'm not your flipping trained seal.
{{/usCountry}}xx
Belle
p.s. - yes, I realise this constitutes another example of bad attitude.
p.p.s. - no, I am not having PMT.
// posted by belle @ 12:42 PM
jeudi27 mai
Last night when I checked email, Hotmail offered a link to 'Dating Tips from the Animal Kingdom'. Expecting the piece to delight and entertain was about as fruitful as reading the back of a shampoo bottle in search of fine literature, so I offer instead an alternative list of dating tips from the animal kingdom.
1. Our good friends and co-evolutionaries Canis familiaris (the domestic dog) show that when in doubt which hole to aim for, thrust wildly. You are bound to land in something good.
2. Shrimps' hearts are in their heads. Men have neither hearts nor heads.
3. The tongue of a giraffe (Giraffa camelopardalis) is half a metre in length, long enough to clean its own ears. If you can do the same there may be a career option you had not yet considered...
4. Dolphins engage in group sex. If those squeaky grey-skinned fisheaters can do it, so can you.
5. The females of the bonobo species (Pan paniscus), closely related to humans, are known to use sexual favours to gain status and food. A point to remember next time you're short of change at the corner shop.
6. Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can’t find food. Unfortunately, men unable to find sex are rarely so talented.
7. The anal glands of cats, genus Felis, are used to mark their territory and identify themselves to other cats. Whether this explanation will convince the hotel not to charge you for excess laundering is questionable.
8. The sailfish, the swordfish and the mako shark can all swim at a speed of over 50 miles per hour. If you meet someone unpleasant at a club it's unlikely you'll be able to escape as quickly.
9. Lions have been known to mate over 50 times a day. This is probably the sole criterion to become King of the Jungle.
10. A rhinoceros's horn is made of hair. Men who are lacking in the horn department, on the other hand, are not advised to grow ponytails to compensate for the fact.
11. Human birth control pills work on gorillas. If you have more success finding contraceptives and a female gorilla than a mate, something has gone horribly wrong.
12. Time is limited and some opportunities may never repeat themselves. Take a tip from swallows of the genus Hirundo, who mate in midair, regardless of the number of people on the flight.
As an aside, whilst researching this entry I ran across a site of dolphin dildoes. By which I do not mean dildoes shaped like dolphins. I mean dildoes the size and shape of a dolphin's member. Eep.
// posted by belle @ 9:01 AM