Madhuri ‘dhak Dhak’ Dixit made her comeback last Friday to the world of Bollywood cinema in Aaja Nachle. While most of us were overjoyed — oh, ok, curious — to see her back on the big screen (anything but seeing her on Karan Johar’s telly programme!) — not everyone was pleased with the film. And we’re not talking about the reason being a ‘political controversy’. But then did Madhuri Dixit care? Read on.
Dec 1, Saturday: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Here I was all excited about the premiere yesterday after a tiring and humiliating appearance in every second mall in the country to promote Aaja Nachle, and now this controversy. Aditya Chopra-ji called saying I’ll have to rework that dodgy dialogue and make it, “Mohalle mein kaisi maara-mar hai; bole Deepika bhi khud ko Madhuri hai.” I had told them not to put any dialogue in a dance movie!
Dec 2, Sunday: God! Now not only are Dalits cheesed off that Mayawati wasn’t given my role, but Aishwarya’s complained about a younger heroine not being given the role! Sriram, can’t we go back to Denver?
Dec 3, Monday: You know I’m not 25 any more. Being 30... oh, okay, 31 has its share of problems. Like getting to change the way I pronounce ‘daance’ in my interviews. Everyone seems to think I picked up an accent in America. But I haven’t guys! Wassup with everyone here? Dudes? Caan’t I daance in peace any more?
Dec 4, Tuesday: It was so nice to hear from Husain-saab today. He called up from an undisclosed location in Dubai and told me that he saw Aaja Nachle alone in a theatre. “Alone?” I said fearing the worst — that being the Dubai authorities had also banned the film for something that I expected them to ban it for. But Husain-saab is so sweet. He said that he had booked the whole theatre to himself to see me in the film properly. Apparently, he made a painting in 20 minutes of the cinema, showing me as an usherette. But that was confiscated by th authorities as Dubai does not allow women ushers in cinemas. Husain-saab said he didn’t like the B-movie quality of the film, and said I deserved better treatment. “Like the one I gave you in my Gaja Gamini.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that in that film, he made my butt look too big.
{{/usCountry}}Dec 4, Tuesday: It was so nice to hear from Husain-saab today. He called up from an undisclosed location in Dubai and told me that he saw Aaja Nachle alone in a theatre. “Alone?” I said fearing the worst — that being the Dubai authorities had also banned the film for something that I expected them to ban it for. But Husain-saab is so sweet. He said that he had booked the whole theatre to himself to see me in the film properly. Apparently, he made a painting in 20 minutes of the cinema, showing me as an usherette. But that was confiscated by th authorities as Dubai does not allow women ushers in cinemas. Husain-saab said he didn’t like the B-movie quality of the film, and said I deserved better treatment. “Like the one I gave you in my Gaja Gamini.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that in that film, he made my butt look too big.
{{/usCountry}}Dec 5, Wednesday: Saroj Khan, my favourite choreographer, came over today for our bhel puri party. We bitched so much about my choreographer in Aaja Nachle, Vaibhavi Merchant that I may have said a word or two about her to Konkona. Thankfully, she seemed to be busy preparing for her next film about casteism in war-torn Sarajevo among displaced refugees from Jharkhand. So I’m safe.
Dec 6, Thursday: Sriram, who were you just talking to on the phone? What do you mean you don’t know! It was Shilpa Shetty again wasn’t it! God, I told you not to talk to her. After the musical, Miss Bollywood, with her in the title role having flopped everywhere, she now wants to do a dance movie with me.
U-huh, no can do. She can call Jennifer Lopez or... Juhi Chawla. Oh stop it, Sriram, I’m not being racist! Her name is Shilpa Poppadom!
Dec 7, Friday: Hello, Mr Chopra. I was wondering whether you would like to do a film with me and Shilpa Shetty in it? Yes, a dance movie, of course.