Desis can manage

England Lawn Tennis Club is increasing the size of its seats to adjust expanding girths but desis know their space, writes Dr Saumya Balsari.

The Buddha in the Bathroom
While I was still living in Denmark, I once joined a Hatha Yoga class led by a teacher with stringy blond Viking locks. He had made several trips to India, returning starry-eyed each time. "I love the culture, the customs, the way of life," he enthused, as we sat in his living room overlooking a frozen lake and piles of snow. Clad in a semi-transparent orange robe sans underwear, he solemnly lit heavily scented rose incense and said, ‘Aum Shantih’ three times. I shivered thrice over his execrable pronunciation and the cold wooden floor. He then struck a contorted yogic pose on the floor. ‘Udgang!’ (Exhale!) he commanded, and we obeyed.

"Have you seen my collection of Ganeshas?" he asked me later, proudly pointing to a kitchen alcove framed by wintry, snow-laden branches outside. "I bring some back to Denmark every time. The dealer I buy from said a couple of them were even used for worship." I estimated fifty figurines.
"What do you think?" he asked eagerly.
"I think they feel the cold," I said.
"Come, let me show you my Buddhas," he cried next, disappearing into a hallway. I followed him until I had reached the bathroom. There were Buddha figurines everywhere – on the sink, the bathtub, above the flush tank, and one perched on the toilet roll holder. I waited for him to ask me what I thought, but he didn’t. Later, we all drank Yogi tea, and left. Had he not eschewed underwear, I think he would have been the type to wear a Roberto Cavalli bikini carrying the image of a Hindu goddess underneath his robe.

Growing Audiences
No longer being able to fit into a bikini of any kind is apparently causing problems for Wimbledon spectators. The All England Lawn Tennis Club is increasing the size of its Centre Court seats for those struggling to restrict themselves to a single seat. Several visitors are said to have complained about the straying flesh of their neighbours. In case this information has left you wondering, Wimbledon goers were apparently slimmer back in 1922. The authorities now envisage larger seating in their £100 million development plan for the court. In the meanwhile, although tempers might get frayed again this summer under hotter skies, the desi should have no cause for alarm. Adept at balancing both Pappu and Munni on the knee along with bulging snacks at every desi picnic and party (of which there are many in the year), the desi knows his space and place.

(Saumya Balsari is the author of a forthcoming comic novel, and wrote a play for Kali Theatre Company's Futures last year. She is currently writing a second novel, another play and multicultural stories for children. She holds a doctorate and works in London as a journalist.)