‘Tis the season to be jolly... at the school prize giving, the summer fete and while poring over the annual report. Except if you are TVS Ramanthan, that is. Remember him? He clocked in last in the Father’s Race on Sports Day, beaten by the progenitors of Chloe, Alexandra, Victoria, Charlotte and a few dozen others.
At the annual prize giving, TVS Ramanathan looked pinched in his too-tight black suit stitched by a frugal Indian tailor who cut the coat, but pinched half the cloth. Other fathers were in summer suits, and the women in shapeless knee-length flowery dresses. One mother wore a hat large enough to accommodate the Swiss Family Robinson. TVSR did not mingle in the school hall. Equipped with a digital camera, he deftly slipped into the coveted centre aisle seat in the second row, defeating arch rival Charlie Cheng by mere seconds (Savithri Ramanthan and Mary Cheng scored joint top marks in Mathematics, Science and English). The Headmistress droned her account of Year One’s trip to a tadpole farm, complimented the obese cook for the school lunches and thanked a thin mother who had baked cookies for the entire school on Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July. TVSR glowered while Mary Cheng curtseyed prettily and proceeded to play the violin with aplomb.
The stage was cleared at last, and the gleaming trophies and cups winked an invitation under the arc lights. TVSR and Cheng tensed, identical cameras held aloft. One by one, the prizes left the table to steadily decreasing applause, until only the Governor’s trophies for excellence remained. Bated breath was released in a silent sigh of disappointment; neither Savithri nor Mary had won a prize.
TVSR was bewildered, perplexed and confused. He was also apoplectic, vexed, angry, enraged and annoyed, but the mystery was soon solved. All the prizes had been given for ‘diligence’. "Why can’t they have one for ‘achievement’?" he fumed. "I really don’t understand what’s going on in this country," he said. For a moment, he seemed to be like someone in Government.
TVSR returned to the school the next day for the summer fete in the school grounds. A picnic hamper was mandatory. He had swapped his too tight black suit for a too loose grey suit, only to find that all the other fathers were in short sleeves, beige safari shorts and long socks sneaking up the knees. Some wore boaters. The mothers were in shapeless flowery dresses again. He sat gingerly on the grass with Savithri, and was about to open a pungent parcel of food when a hand was thrust under his nose. ‘Strawberries?’ asked a friendly voice.
TVSR was keen to escape the sun, as was evident on the school’s sports day. He dashed into the fete marquee and was coaxed by another friendly voice to buy three gooey, melting cupcakes sprinkled with bilious icing squiggles. Half an hour later, he had managed to acquire some rather worn children’s books @ 25 p, three expressionless teddy ears and a rather large hanging basket of trailing fuschia. Savithri had managed to get her face and nails painted, making it just in time to join the group on the recorder. A hush descended to make way for a reedy, squeaky sound as parents gazed in adoration. Cheng blocked TVSR’s view. As TVSR attempted to exit the marquee with his spoils, an invisible voice asked if he was ready for the tombola, while another relieved him of a pound for the raffle. While Cheng won two tickets to Marbella, TVSR won a box of herbs and spices. He opened it to find Indian grocer’s packet of cumin, turmeric and coriander inside.
TVSR returned to the school the next day for the summer fete in the school grounds. A picnic hamper was mandatory. He had swapped his too tight black suit for a too loose grey suit, only to find that all the other fathers were in short sleeves, beige safari shorts and long socks sneaking up the knees. Some wore boaters. The mothers were in shapeless flowery dresses again. He sat gingerly on the grass with Savithri, and was about to open a pungent parcel of food when a hand was thrust under his nose. ‘Strawberries?’ asked a friendly voice.
TVSR was keen to escape the sun, as was evident on the school’s sports day. He dashed into the fete marquee and was coaxed by another friendly voice to buy three gooey, melting cupcakes sprinkled with bilious icing squiggles. Half an hour later, he had managed to acquire some rather worn children’s books @ 25 p, three expressionless teddy ears and a rather large hanging basket of trailing fuschia. Savithri had managed to get her face and nails painted, making it just in time to join the group on the recorder. A hush descended to make way for a reedy, squeaky sound as parents gazed in adoration. Cheng blocked TVSR’s view. As TVSR attempted to exit the marquee with his spoils, an invisible voice asked if he was ready for the tombola, while another relieved him of a pound for the raffle. While Cheng won two tickets to Marbella, TVSR won a box of herbs and spices. He opened it to find Indian grocer’s packet of cumin, turmeric and coriander inside.
The next day, Savithri returned home with the annual report. The family gathered around the dining table, as TVSR carefully removed the crisp sheets from the large white envelope. He read aloud. Savithri had grown in confidence and maturity. She continued to work hard with encouraging results. She was conscientious, and had considerable potential. She now had a sound knowledge of concepts in mathematics.
TVSR beamed with quiet satisfaction. Clearly, Savithri was at the top, even without the prize to prove it. Then Savithri announced that everyone had peeked into each other’s reports at ‘going home time’. Chloe, Victoria, Alexandra and Charlotte appeared to have grown in confidence and maturity, continued to work hard with encouraging results, were conscientious, and had considerable potential. They all had a sound knowledge of concepts in mathematics.
Multiplication was clearly not a method, but an answer.
(Saumya Balsari is the author of a forthcoming comic novel, and wrote a play for Kali Theatre Company's Futures last year. She is currently writing a second novel, another play and multicultural stories for children. She holds a doctorate and works in London as a journalist.)