This is not a fictional account. I might have to change the names of people that I make a mention of just in case they desire it to be so. Rest all is true but there is obviously no way that I can prove that to you. The only motive behind writing this is to share with anyone (who is just as inclined towards) the little discoveries that I make in my attempt to see that which is not tangible but more real than what is. I really do look forward to hearing from whosoever wishes to write back to me about one's own feelings on the 'subject'. The link for writing back is given right below my own account. I hope to write to you every Wednesday and Saturday.
This is for all of you who have been expecting a reply from me. I am truly sorry for not having replied for so long and not doing it even today ... the forthcoming column on Saturday would be devoted to replies only ... so only those interested may please invest their time and energy!! (That sounds rather corny to me. Please bear with the corni-ness!)
So as I told you, mami reappeared in my dreams - the same everything; I again began to dread going off to sleep. Ironically, at the same time, my inclination towards the Divine was getting stronger - now that was a positive development. But the problem with me has been, and to a great extent continues to be, that I believe in the negative more easily and resolutely than the positive. Well, I am trying to eliminate this aspect but let us not get into that right now.
This dream problem continued to trouble me till around September this year until my brother's childhood friend (who is based in Hyderabad these days) visited me one evening. He was talking about his faith in the Mother and I was sharing my sentiments on the subject; as the talk proceeded I told him about this recurring dream problem. I was slightly surprised to see that a person of sturdy nerves as he was shaken up to the extent that he was. The hair on his arms were standing on their ends. "I generally don't get queasy about such things and my first reaction would have been to tell you that you are just imagining it all but this is not the case here; the vibes are too strong," saying this he fell quiet and then again, he contemplated, trying to listen to his inner voice.
{{/usCountry}}This dream problem continued to trouble me till around September this year until my brother's childhood friend (who is based in Hyderabad these days) visited me one evening. He was talking about his faith in the Mother and I was sharing my sentiments on the subject; as the talk proceeded I told him about this recurring dream problem. I was slightly surprised to see that a person of sturdy nerves as he was shaken up to the extent that he was. The hair on his arms were standing on their ends. "I generally don't get queasy about such things and my first reaction would have been to tell you that you are just imagining it all but this is not the case here; the vibes are too strong," saying this he fell quiet and then again, he contemplated, trying to listen to his inner voice.
{{/usCountry}}"But you have also told me about such wonderfully positive experiences; anyone who is so close to the Mother can't be approached by anything negative. I have a strong feeling that your mami visits you not for any negative purpose; maybe she wants to convey something to you, maybe she is here to teach you something essential. Have faith in the Mother and rest be sure that no harm can come to you. Don't run away from your mami when she visits you next; be gentle and nice to her," were his words as he stood at the door to leave.
I pondered over his words … that made a lot of sense to me but I knew that it would take time to make the fear go and so I inwardly made a request to my mami, "Please let me be strong enough to deal with it, visit me only then."
A week later or so (during which mami didn't come in my dreams), my mother told me that my mami's daughter would be coming to Delhi for a couple of days' stay over for a break. I was happy with the thought of having her over but obviously I couldn't make out that there was another dimension to the whole thing.
And soon I had Ashita (name changed) over at my place. In a typical big sis - small sis (she is around 12 years younger) kind of conversation, she was pouring her heart out to me and I was as usual surprised to observe that kids back in Dehradun (I am the eldest sister on the maternal side) were growing up real fast.
I began to tell Ashita how relieved I was in the knowledge that she was growing up to be a very sensible girl despite the absence of her mother and that is when she told me, "But I don't feel her absence at all you know. Since the day she has died, she has been visiting me every single night. The minute I fall off to sleep, I am with her or rather she is with me." She said it in a very matter of fact manner.
Initially I thought that maybe her dreams were the working of her sub-conscious or something of that sort, which was helping her to deal with the loss of her mother but a few details convinced me that that was not the case. Since those pieces of conversation were between mami and Ashita I choose not to publish them but I can tell you that mami advised her, warned her about and shared with her things that Ashita had no prior knowledge of. And then Ashita said something, which had a chill run down my spine. "You know didi, when mummy left for the hospital she was wearing her pink salwar-kameez ... " Oh God, that almost knocked the breath out of my lungs!
Whatever little doubt I had up till then, about the dreams being just the working of my own mind, vanished. Before Ashita told me this I had no way of knowing what mami was wearing when she left home and so how the hell did I see her in that attire, and why did everyone else, be it my other cousin sister in Bombay or my mother see her in that?
And then Ashita said something, which explained one more important thing. Since this relates to me in particular, I would share it with you. "Mummy tells me occasionally that she really misses the fact that she wasn't there for your wedding. She had promised you that she would give you the anklets and toe rings on your wedding but she couldn't fulfil it. She feels very bad about it."
That did it. Now I knew what was it that mami was trying to hand me over that night in the dream.
After Ashita left, I reflected and contemplated. How my first impulse is to look at things with a negative perspective! Anyway, I again spoke to mami and said sorry for misunderstanding her and I also requested her to not come in my dreams unless I was prepared to greet her … I would have hated to make her feel as if she was someone to be scared of.
Mami obliged. My conscious self never realised that I was ready to handle a visit from her but obviously she did. Just a few days back I saw her in my dream. I was fully conscious in the dream state that I was not supposed to get scared … in my dream state I told myself to relax, get a hold of myself and let the voice out of my throat freely … and I managed to talk to her, I even held her hand … never mind the content of our conversation.
I am able to sleep peacefully now.
According to me, the lessons herein are: To learn to look at things positively; I suffered for so long because I so firmly believed that the whole thing was negative. The moment I have let the positive take over, the negative has always retreated.
I also learnt about the power of mind over matter. If I diligently train my mind to think in one particular way, my mind remembers that command even in a dream state. I have to learn to master the tools the Almighty has blessed me with; the day I learn to master them, I am at peace. All my strength lies within me. Help that comes from outside is temporary; it can assist you to a limited extent. That which comes from within is there to stay, always.
Always have faith in the Divine Scheme. I had a few important lessons to learn and when the necessary foundation had been laid to absorb them, God sent my brother's friend and Ashita to tell me what was essential for me to know. I see it as no co-incidence that both of them came over at a week's span to reveal to me a few things, which were vital for me to progress.
Previous Chapters
When the dead approach
The indulgent Mother!
Please mark me absent
The devil sits inside
The power in words
One of those dreams
The miracle, God and I
The compassionate One
The turning point
Smile at God
They live with God
I visit a Tantric
That sinister presence
A brush with the spirit world
On my way Home