There are some things men just don’t want to hear, and some questions they don’t have a clue how to handle. Kushalrani Gulab gives guys inside information on how to deal with the silly things women say.
‘What are you thinking about?’
You’re out on a pleasant drive through the hills; it’s peaceful and the music’s playing and you’re happy and there’s a smile playing around your lips. That’s when you're asked: “What are you thinking about?”
Fact of life: If you answer “nothing”, you’re in for a protracted round of Gestapo-like interrogation, because nobody on earth can think of “nothing”. On the other hand, you really have been thinking of nothing in particular, so there isn’t much you can say. But you can rescue yourself with a superlative one-word answer: “You.” That’ll lead to a smile, a squeeze of your hand and a bit of a cuddle later.
‘Do I look fat in this?’
Whatever you say, it’s the wrong answer. “Yes”, of course, is out of the question unless you’re begging for a fat lip, a cauliflower ear and the fastest divorce in the history of the Indian judicial system. But even “no” has its trauma. She will instantly assume that you’re lying…
a) Just to be nice;
b) Because you’re not actually looking;
c) Because you want to end this conversation now;
d) All of the above.
Fact of life: There ain’t no way the conversation is going to end now. When a woman feels fat, she wants love and reassurance but no matter what you say, she won’t believe you because she doesn’t believe it herself. So prepare for a long, pointless exchange (“You’re just saying that.” “No, I mean it.” “No, I can tell you’re not being honest.” “I am being honest.” “No, you’re not.”) in which you’re a loser any which way. All you can do, therefore, is play the game and then give her a bit of a cuddle.
‘Is this shade better?’
Given that she holds the lowest possible opinion of your ability to select so much as a plain white shirt for yourself, it’s hard to understand why she should ask you, of all people, whether a certain shade of red is nicer than another shade of red. But she does, with astonishing regularity.
Fact of life: When you attempt to answer the question, this is what you get:
She: You really think this is better?
You: Yes, I do.
She: Isn’t it a little too bright?
You (trying to guess what she likes): Err… maybe.
She: So you don’t like it?
You: I didn’t say that.
She: So what are you saying?
You (in above your head): The other shade is better. Definitely.
She: Hmm. Don’t you think that’s too dull?
You (taking a stand): No. It’s perfect.
She (suspiciously): Are you actually looking?
You (hurriedly): Yes, yes, of course.
She: You’re trying to get out of this, aren’t you?
You: No, no, I really do think this is better.
She: Uff, you’re useless. I’ll take the first.
Try and persuade your doctor to certify that you’re colour blind, in which case you can appeal to her sympathy and get a bit of a cuddle.
‘Is this shade better?’
Given that she holds the lowest possible opinion of your ability to select so much as a plain white shirt for yourself, it’s hard to understand why she should ask you, of all people, whether a certain shade of red is nicer than another shade of red. But she does, with astonishing regularity.
Fact of life: When you attempt to answer the question, this is what you get:
She: You really think this is better?
You: Yes, I do.
She: Isn’t it a little too bright?
You (trying to guess what she likes): Err… maybe.
She: So you don’t like it?
You: I didn’t say that.
She: So what are you saying?
You (in above your head): The other shade is better. Definitely.
She: Hmm. Don’t you think that’s too dull?
You (taking a stand): No. It’s perfect.
She (suspiciously): Are you actually looking?
You (hurriedly): Yes, yes, of course.
She: You’re trying to get out of this, aren’t you?
You: No, no, I really do think this is better.
She: Uff, you’re useless. I’ll take the first.
Try and persuade your doctor to certify that you’re colour blind, in which case you can appeal to her sympathy and get a bit of a cuddle.
‘You only think of me for sex’
You've been watching TV all weekend, or hanging out with your friends, but come Sunday evening you feel a bit romantic, and wander up to her while she’s absorbed in her book and start nuzzling her neck. One thing leads to another and when you’re both lying in bed, tired, and you're feeling all’s-well-with-the-world-ish, this is what she zaps you with.
Fact of life: You haven’t the faintest idea what to say. You could, perhaps, break into a speech about how important she is to you, how your life wouldn’t be the same without her (but be very careful, because this could lead to another issue: “What would you do if I died before you?”), and how the world would be completely meaningless without her, but frankly, at this particular point in time, you have neither the energy nor the gumption to come up with an oration. So there are two possible solutions. 1. Protest strongly and give her a bit of a non-sexual cuddle. 2. Say yes, and you can’t help it because she’s the hottest thing in the universe, and just the very thought of her drives you wild with desire. (This will lead to a bit of a sexual cuddle.)
‘Do you think she's hot?’
It doesn’t matter where you are and what you’re doing – shopping perhaps, or enjoying a romantic dinner for two, or watching TV – your significant other is going to point out some woman to you and ask: “Do you think she’s hot?”
Fact of life: This line has no correct answer. “Yes” will result in a hurt expression, the silent treatment for the next two weeks, no sex and the horrible sight of hard-earned money vanishing at the speed of light at beauty salons, spas and designer boutiques. “No” will result in further comments and questioning of this sort: “What? But her legs are gorgeous / breasts are phenomenal / body is perfect / skin is mindblowing etc etc etc” that will leave you with no option but to agree. Solution: Say “Yes, quite good-looking, but you’re hotter” and immediately give her a bit of a cuddle and a kiss.
‘I should have married him instead’
Two weeks of the silent treatment can be immensely frustrating for a woman because, dammit, she’s burning with rage and she has to let off steam. So out come old photograph albums which she’ll flip through in a significant manner, and there’ll be long (and pretty loud) telephone conversations with old college pals about a certain Rohan (whom you’ve never heard of before in your life), and one morning when she just can’t take the silence any more, she will fling down her fork, give you an accusing look and say: “I should have married him instead.”
Fact of life: Agreeing with her is a move guaranteed to result in tears, doors slamming, badly packed suitcases in the hallway, and the old college pals who turn up to fetch her looking at you like you’re a mutant cockroach. Muttering that Rohan had a lucky escape will lead to much the same situation. If you really rather like having her around, you have no option but to say “I’m so glad you didn’t”, which may lead to a bit of a cuddle.
‘Did you miss me?’
This happens in the second stage of your relationship, when you’ve had the ‘where do we go from here’ dialogue and it’s been established that you’re both going the same way together. This is when you are pretty much secure and feel that you don’t need to be romantic anymore, but she is wildly over the moon and has a severe case of love. Two hours apart can lead to: “Did you miss me?”
Fact of life: If you say, “Huh, did you go somewhere?”, you’re going to be looking at a face so low, it’s in Australia. Forget the logic, just say yes. It’s a single word and will lead to a bit of a cuddle.
'Do you still love me?'
The wedding was yonks ago and the kiddos are well into chapter 3 of their tell-all book about your terrible parenting. At this point, when all seems nicely settled, when life is a pleasant, happy routine, she will look at you with a puppy dog expression on her face and ask the question: “Do you still love me?”
Fact of life: There is just one answer. And no, it isn’t “yes” (got you, didn’t we!). The happy routine that signifies to you that love is all over the place, signifies to her that there’s no life left in your relationship. The correct answer, therefore, is to pounce on her and drag her off to the bedroom for a bit of a cuddle.
‘Why didn’t you call?’
Years and years of hearing men say “I’ll call you” and waiting for hours beside a non-ringing telephone have turned women into deeply suspicious creatures when it comes to phone calls. If you say you’re going to call and don’t, you’re going to return to a question that’s more like an accusation.
Fact of life: “I was busy”, “Oops, I forgot”, “The battery was down” and other such will be dismissed as mere excuses. A far better option is to attack her yourself: “Why didn’t you call?” But for heaven’s sake, disguise the attack. If you make it seem as though you were testing her love for you – a test that she failed – she will be consumed with guilt and that could lead to a bit of a cuddle.
‘Let’s talk’
’Ouch. You could be hit with this one at any time or place, usually after a fight.
Fact of life: “Let’s talk” means she’s going to bare her deepest feelings in excruciating detail after which you’ll have to do the same. There’s no escaping “Let’s talk”. “I have nothing to say” will lead to two weeks of the silent treatment, followed by “I should have married him instead”; listening to her silently will lead to “What are you thinking about?”; and refusing to contribute will lead to “Do you still love me?” Face it, you have no option in this situation but to talk. At least try to. And after you do, you can have a bit of a cuddle.