All generalisations lack nuance. Having said that, concepts like misogyny, bigotry, racism etc. are normalised behaviours usually practised by the ‘majority’. In this case, it’s safe to say that the majority of men need unlearning and re-education when it comes to consent.
Not pushing to meet/talk when someone says they don’t want to is the bare minimum. To that I would add— ‘enthusiastic’ consent. If someone tries to convince or pressure (please, never!) someone else, then that is immediately outside of the boundaries of consent. Simply, you cannot pressurise someone to be interested in you, regardless of what the films and songs you have grown up on may tell you.
A majority of women I’ve been close to have stories about past abuse and about men who have crossed the boundaries of consent. All the way from casual ‘exchanges’ in the workplace, to being inappropriately ‘brushed up’ against on a crowded street, all the way to girls being disgustingly and illegally ‘auctioned’ on the internet, using an app. (The perpetrators of which just received bail, I should add). Female journalists who speak and write the truth, receive rape and death threats constantly. The internet has enabled a more open conversation regarding women’s safety but has also opened up another Pandora’s box of troubles, where bots and incels are free to use their anonymity to target whoever they are paid to target. Also this is about more than just strangers. Abuse also happens from the closest of quarters, within families, marriages and other close relationships. Marital rape is very real. ‘Not all men’ is a pointless slogan because of the overwhelming presence of ‘too many men’.
The bar is pretty low. I really don’t think I deserve a ‘medal’ or anything for understanding something as basic as this. But we’ve just started undoing decades and even centuries of inequality between the sexes. Listen to female and non-binary people, don’t try to explain their own lives to them. Anyone who says they didn’t read the signals, is either lying or being wilfully ignorant.
{{/usCountry}}The bar is pretty low. I really don’t think I deserve a ‘medal’ or anything for understanding something as basic as this. But we’ve just started undoing decades and even centuries of inequality between the sexes. Listen to female and non-binary people, don’t try to explain their own lives to them. Anyone who says they didn’t read the signals, is either lying or being wilfully ignorant.
{{/usCountry}}It’s really important to never forget that ‘intersectional’ feminism is everything. By that I mean that in the Indian context, any fight for the rights of women, will by definition, have to include the fight for the fundamental rights of women of the Dalit, Muslim, Adivasi, and all other marginalised communities.
(As told to Karishma Kuenzang)
Imaad Shah is a musician and actor, who is a part of the music duo Madboy/Mink and of Motley Theatre Company. He also acts in films and series.
I Say Chaps is a guest column that allows passionate, creative people a platform to have their say.
From HT Brunch, July 30, 2022
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