“We’re told a toxic person always remains toxic. But sometimes, people change.”
By Shruti Chaturvedi
My friend had broken up with her boyfriend after being together for a year. It was such a bad break up that we were convinced they would never get back together. Plus, she moved to London shortly after.
Turns out they stayed in touch and, a year and a half ago, she told me they had worked out their issues. Today, they are happily married. But I didn’t attend her wedding because I was so mad at her!
They used to fight a lot and I mostly saw her side of it. We were all relieved when it was over. So when they got back together, I still didn’t think he was good for her. I thought they’d be divorced in six-seven months.
We are told that a toxic person always remains toxic. But sometimes people do change. While living by herself in London, my friend realised what she wanted, maybe because she was studying psychology and she worked on herself. They communicated a lot when she was away and that helped. Also, we thought she wasn’t being ambitious because of him, but that wasn’t the case.
When I saw how happy she was, it made me realise that so many people have married so-called ‘right people’ and are miserable. But at least she’s happy. And I wished I had gone for the wedding.
{{/usCountry}}When I saw how happy she was, it made me realise that so many people have married so-called ‘right people’ and are miserable. But at least she’s happy. And I wished I had gone for the wedding.
{{/usCountry}}People aren’t the way they are permanently. Sometimes we judge too soon.
Shruti Chaturvedi is the founder of chaaipani.com and lives in Goa.
“You’ll need to create a new relationship with your ex first.”
By Asees Kaur Chadha
Getting back with your ex could work if the breakup was circumstantial, such as someone moving cities, and not due to emotional or mental distress. But you should have resolved any issues in your equation with each other.
Just make sure you take the time to explore the reason for the breakup. Often, people say they felt they had lost themselves in their relationships. So you need to get in touch with your own individuality and reconnect with yourself, whether it takes weeks or a year. Both individuals should go through this introspection, irrespective of who broke up with whom, in order to reconnect. You need open communication and to create a new relationship even with the same partner as that’s the only way to progress.
If there had been abuse of any kind—physical, mental, emotional or gaslighting or it was a toxic relationship—then getting back with your ex is a big no. People can get so used to toxic patterns of relationships that they find them comforting. Do assess the pros and cons. There’s a reason why the person is an ex.
Remember that parents or friends won’t understand the intricacies of the relationship. So, you are the best judge. Till you realise for yourself what you want, there’s no point asking for advice.
You can stay friends with your ex. But that depends on what your current partner is comfortable with.
Asees Kaur Chadha is a psychologist and founder of Soul Therapy in Gurugram.
From HT Brunch,September 26, 2021
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