Relationship experts list what parents should do if their child talks of a crush

When a parent hears of a child’s crush the initial reaction is disbelief, confusion, anger and denial but communication is the way to understand the situation and respond appropriately. Relationship experts reveal a few ways that help while having a discussion with your child

Excitement, feeling giddy as if there are butterflies in your tummy and an innate desire to be around a “special other”, is how crushes are described as but parents have seen their children usually as babies, as having platonic feelings and being innocent and naive and forget that they too are humans with all human needs including acknowledgement, love and partnership. It is but natural for children to like other peers.

It is also their first foray into building relationship skills as liking someone more than themselves. When a parent hears of a child’s crush the initial reaction is disbelief, confusion, anger and denial but communication is the way to understand the situation and respond appropriately.

In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr Aarti Bakshi, Developmental Psychologist and SEL Consultant at SAAR Education, said, “Immediate concern of a child’s crush should not morph the overview that everything children learn is by experimentation. Relationships start with knowing and loving yourself and leads to liking someone else . Parents mirror every action a child shows. Emotions churn and throw surprises and parenting is a job that is learnt while practicing.”

She cautioned, “Fear laden conversations or threats are an absolute no- no. The purpose of a crush is to converse and express one's feelings. So let an emotion be expressed and of course parents watch out for the intentions, age difference and activities your child indulges in with his/ her crush.” She listed a few ways that help while having a discussion with your child:

2. Being there for your child and being a good listener - Keeping their confidence to share their crush secrets. Involving your child in other areas of interest like painting, sports, music and spending time helping at home also helps in having a layer of conversations in an informal way.

3. Mistakes help us learn and a growth mindset is the way out - Crushes are also a way to self- explore oneself, self awareness leads to self- management.

Dr Aarti Bakshi advised, “If the parent feels that the crush is putting on peer pressure or leading a child to take inappropriate risks, or is indulging in activities that are not age-appropriate; the parent should intervene immediately. A journey starts with a single step, so supporting a child verbally and non- verbally is part of the conversations. Let’s humanise every emotion.”

Echoing the same, Purvi Gandhi, Occupational Therapist and Intervention Coach, shared, “The first thing that pops in my mind is “Isn’t it normal to have liked someone?” Ask yourself, “What did you do when you had a little soft corner for someone?” When you really enjoyed all the attention from someone who liked you, wasn’t it a lovely feeling? Does it still bring a smile to your face when you recollect those memories?”

She added, “As a child or an adult we all enjoy the idea of being liked or like someone. Then think about it with reference to your parents. How did your parents react to it? Did you have the guts to tell them? How you wished that they should hear you out without being judged? It used to be a taboo talking about these things in Indian culture but now parents have a better outlook towards it at least in cities. There is no right or wrong in this situation, it mainly depends on the parent’s value system.”

Adding to the list of tips, Purvi Gandhi recommended:

1. Hear him out - Don’t stop the enthusiasm, emotions at that point and in fact show a lot of excitement and acknowledge the feeling, since it is absolutely normal to have a crush. Be a good listener and take mental notes of what he mentions to you.

2. Talk it out with your child - If you are open with your child, you could tell him about your first crush. You sharing your experiences will show a sign of mutual trust and he will be more comfortable with talking to you about his crush.

3. Impart your advice - Talk about all the things that you as a parent want to tell your child about the Do’s and Don'ts as your own experience of crush instead of advising directly. Be around to listen and redirect if you think it is not appropriate.

4. Enjoy being a part of his experience - Give him the power to make appropriate choices. Let him feel that you are giving them the power of making choices in a protected environment. Try not to be controlling in this situation as it could annoy the child.