Why do we pick problematic partners?

Making a relationship work, takes a lot of efforts, and making a problematic relationship work,ought to be lot more! Why do people choose to suffer? Experts tell us why...

Humans crave love ever since birth, love from parents, siblings, friends, and eventually from their partners. Everybody has a certain type of people they feel attracted to and want to be in love with. The types may vary from jolly, kind, introvert, adventurous, and so on. ‘Problematic’ is probably the last trait people are looking for in their partners. Then why do some people choose to suffer from problematic partners but still can’t let go? There is a famous quote by Stephen Chbosky in his novel, the perks of being a wallflower, “We accept the love, we think we deserve.” Do some people think they deserve problematic partners, or they overlook the problems and continue to suffer? Experts tell us why.

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Psychological History

Experts believe, the kind of partner we look for in our adult life is a reflection of the love we received as a kid, the relationship that we witnessed between our parents. The first exposure of those feelings leaves a permanent mark on our vision of love and we try to look for people who can evoke the same feelings, we are comfortable and familiar with. Sometimes these feelings are not pleasant, for instance, if someone grew up around an abusive parent or was abused as a child. They will be okay with an abusive partner, unlike others. If someone grew up with a depressed or aloof parent, they would find themselves attracted to the people who will replicate the same set of emotions.

People with a negative perception of selves tend to walk into a problematic relationship. They choose partners in the consonance of their negative view of self. The feeling of not deserving something good and substantial keeps them from looking for a positive partner. It’s hard for some people to take a compliment because their mind is flushed with all the negatives views of self, which is why they feel uncomfortable around people who appreciate them and tries to make them feel good about themselves. Whereas the partner who supports their unenthusiastic self-perception brings them a sense of comfort.

Empaths

“They will be devastated if I leave them,” is often the idea, empaths resort to while choosing to stay in a problematic relationship. People with extreme empathy cannot bring harm to anyone consciously, they may choose to suffer, which is exactly what happens in toxic relationships if either person is an empath. They start neglecting themselves in order to protect and care for others. Thinking one is not good enough, they take a people-pleasing route and go miles to rescue and please people. A toxic partner would keep an empath close and cater to each other’s need of being rescued and rescuing respectively. Catering to each other’s need, a negative person and an empath makes for a perfect match.

Fear

A drowning person in the sea would grab anything to save themselves, likewise, a person drowning in the fear of being left alone or the fear of not being good enough makes them choose a problematic partner. But why can’t they get out of the relationship even after suffering? Experts say that staying in a dysfunctional relationship over a period of time takes a toll on one’s self-confidence, self-image, and ability to be fully themselves. The increase in anxiety and stress is astronomical under such situations. Even if people try to come out of a toxic relationship, the undesirable thought of not finding someone makes people suffer and continue with the relationship.

How can you come out of this cycle?

Your relationship with others is a reflection of your relationship with yourselves. Growing up in an uninformed environment makes it difficult to understand the patterns of toxicity. The first step towards improving your judgment is to become self-aware. Being aware of your needs and wants in relationships and otherwise. In order to cultivate a healthy relationship with others, it’s imperative to nurture a healthy relationship with ourselves. One has to stop living in denial, denial of their pain and suffering, addressing the problem is the first step towards a solution.

(Inputs from Pulkit Sharma, Clinical Psychologist, and Shaira Chaudhry, Wellness Facilitator)