Learning to say no to an abusive marriage

Over 17 women die daily because of dowry, reports the National Crime Records Bureau. The number is enough to warrant a national crisis.

This is an appeal to the parents of daughters. Marriage is not their final destination. It is career and financial independence. Girls are not paraya dhan (someone else’s wealth) to be brought up to understand that their “own” homes are not the one they are born into but the one they marry into. Stop bringing them to be self-effacing, sacrificing and silent — like their mothers.

In the post-liberalisation years, better educated and higher-earning grooms could demand higher dowries, partly to recoup investments in education and partly to pay for the dowries of their own sisters. (PTI)

Ban this one word from your conversation with them: Adjust.

Teach them the power of saying no.

Believe them if they tell you they are in an unhappy marriage where they are being disrespected, even abused for any reason, including not bringing sufficient dowry. Let them know they can always come home, if that’s what they want. Do consider your legal options but ensure their safety first.

Two stories, horrific in detail but banal as crimes we have normalised, have emerged from Tamil Nadu just days within each other. In the first, a dowry of a luxury car and 300 gold sovereigns was not enough. When Ridhanya returned home 15 days into her marriage, her father told her to “adjust” and sent her back. Weeks later Ridhanya’s body was found inside her car, she had reportedly consumed pesticide. Her husband, Kavin Kumar and his parents, Eswaramoorthy and Chithradevi have been arrested. And while her parents have undoubtedly suffered a tragedy beyond measure, the questions remain: Why didn’t they let her come home? Why did they pay dowry at all? How can a marriage be more valuable than a daughter’s life?

Over 17 women die daily because of dowry, reports the National Crime Records Bureau. The number is enough to warrant a national crisis. Instead, we carry on as if we’ve lost the will to fight the dowry battle. Nearly 65 years after the Dowry Prohibition Act of 1961, dowry remains India’s shame, the taking and giving of it rampant across religions, across geography, sometimes disguised as a “gift”, its prevalence only increasing with time.

Pre-1940, dowry was paid in about 40% of marriages; by the nineties, it was in nearly 90% of marriages, finds research by Gaurav Chiplunkar and Jeffrey Weaver in Ideas for India.

In the post-liberalisation years, better educated and higher-earning grooms could demand higher dowries, partly to recoup investments in education and partly to pay for the dowries of their own sisters.

Anti-dowry protests once at the vanguard of feminist activism have receded. Yet, it was sustained protests against “kitchen accidents” that led to an amendment to the penal code in 1983 that made cruelty to women by husbands and his relatives a crime under section 498A. Now, the big fat Indian wedding with professional make-up artists, bespoke photography and designer décor is fueled by social media and the breathless reporting of aspirational celebrity nuptials.

Girls may have bridged the education gap but some things remain unchanged. In a country where over 90% of marriages continue to be arranged by parents, where lawmakers say parental consent for “love” marriages should be mandatory, few things terrify us as much as the autonomy of daughters. The tragic shooting of tennis academy owner Radhika Yadav by her father who couldn’t stomach her success and financial independence tells you how ingrained patriarchy is. The battle to dismantle it must begin now. Change is possible, but first we must want it badly enough.

Namita Bhandare writes on gender. The views expressed are personal.