Ageism is one thing, feeling old is another: Naseeruddin Shah writes on the subtle art of ageing

At 68, the veteran actor ruminates about age, illness, death, but mostly about life

If you ask how I see myself 10 years from now, I would say I would be dancing to some chartbuster song in a movie! Oye Oye (Tridev, 1989) extended my career by 10 years and then it was Ooh La La (The Dirty Picture, 2011). I think by 2020, I will have another song that I will hear blaring from cars while stuck at a traffic signal! When you are in your 20s, you feel people in their 30s are old. So ‘old’ is relative. And I definitely don’t feel old yet. Yes, my back has started giving me trouble. But thankfully, no one will ask me to do a rigorous action scene anymore. But I am sure I would be able to dance a few steps. In fact, I am saving myself for that!

I can’t play tennis every day. I miss that. But apart from that, I don’t feel anything different. I do a lot of things that people 10 years younger to me would hesitate to do. I feel much happier in my skin than I ever did. So, I think I am dealing pretty well with the aging part.

When you grow old, there are two fears you face the most. One is slipping in the bathroom and the other is losing your memory. I have seen both in close proximity. My mum partially lost her memory in her last days. In one of my recent plays The Father, I played an old man suffering from dementia. I wonder what will happen if I lose my memory. But I don’t think I am any more forgetful than I ever was. A few decades back, I was driving to my office. When I was inside the car, I realised that I couldn’t remember why I was going to office. I drove down, hoping to remember the reason on my way. As I got off the car and shut the door, I saw a pair of shoes sitting on the roof! I had placed them there while unlocking my car, and forgotten to take them inside! And I was going to my office just to put them there.

So, you see, forgetfulness has always been there with me. But yes, my short-term memory is a little shorter with age. Sometimes I forget what I have just read. This is actually a worrisome sign. This happens to Alzheimer’s patients a lot. But instead of worrying about age and what it’s going to be like, I try to keep myself stimulated by new things. I have been learning to read and write Urdu, which I had learned as a child but had forgotten due to lack of practice. Ratna (Pathak Shah, actress and Naseer’s wife) and I are discussing learning another language.

A dad’s bucket list

I have quite a lot on my ‘to-do’ list. Ideally, I want to go skydiving and paragliding, my back might not agree to those. But I can still scuba-dive! Also, I want to work with and probably mentor young actors. As for my own kids, Heeba, Vivaan and Imaad, I want them to be happy and well-adjusted. My father had no hope for me. He thought I would starve or at the most work in some office. But he would have been very proud of me today. I don’t have any prophesy for my kids. They are all creative individuals and I am proud of them. As for the fear of being plagued by disease as you grow old… I don’t know what will happen. Today, all I can do is to be rational about it.

I admire Irrfan (Khan) who has been battling cancer. Every time we talk on call, he sounds like he is having the experience of his life. He once said: “At times I am in so much pain that I can’t describe it, but I am observing everything that is happening to me, Naseer bhai.” He is taking it so bravely.

I went through a phase where I was unhappy with the kind of work I was doing. But I’m okay now. I am keen on doing movies but I am not overzealous. I have nothing to prove. I have always done films that I felt like doing, but now finally I’m in a position where I can afford that! I am able to not do a film for a year and not feel the pinch. In theatre, I feel I still have a lot to do. But in movies? I’m not sure.

Zindagi gulzar hai...

Today, I’m not only living each day as it comes, I’m looking forward to the next day. I have enjoyed my life. I consider myself very lucky. I want to continue having a great life till it lasts. I am 68 now. My father died when he was 70. But you know what? I don’t feel that old! In fact, I don’t remember seeing my father as a young man ever. I was born when he was 40. He was always an old man to me. Though in the last two years of his life he was very sick, he lived a happy life. However, I hope I live longer than him. In fact, I am confident I will. Instead of looking at people who died in their 70s I’d like to look at people who are living it up well into their 90s.

However, I have no fear of death. In fact, the one thing that scares me is living too long and becoming a burden. If you have an illness, you have to deal with it. It is the same at any age. Hopefully, you’ll have people who love you when you go through it.

-As told to Ananya Ghosh

Follow @ananya1281 on Twitter

From HT Brunch, February 17, 2019

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