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Tuesday, Sep 24, 2019

The Ra.Onegers are coming to save you

Doing what Bollywood does best, we didn’t think twice about ripping off The Avengers to make up for the lack of locally awesome superheroes. Kunal writes the ‘original’ script.

brunch Updated: May 19, 2012 19:00 IST
Kunal Rao
Kunal Rao
Hindustan Times

There has never been a doubt about the fact that Bollywood needs superheroes. It needs someone who can bring them out of the rut of clichéd scripts, Korean song covers and a buffed up Khan. Indian superheroes currently do exist in the form of G.One (superpower: increased marketing skills) and Zokkomon (superpower: anti-puberty). But neither of these have won the hearts of the Indian audience mainly because, well, the average male already has enough superpowers to survive the daily commute to work in a local train or metro.

The Indian audience needs a superhero with better powers than “brain works faster than a computer”. The Indian audience needs – and I say this with a heavy heart for using the most clichéd comedic tool out there – an Indian Avengers – The Ra.Onegers. Since originality has never been a Bollywood necessity (come on, we even named our industry after an existing one, albeit colloquially), there’s no real need to have an original plotline for our version of the film. Of The B-Town Bunch

The assumption is that "Low-key", played by Tussharr Kappoorr (have I got enough o’s, p’s r’s and s’s?) from an alternative planet (also the home of the infamous Jadoo who introduced Hrithik to steroids), wishes to take over Planet Bollywood. The plan is simple – kill all junior artists so that he has roles for the rest of his life.

His elder brother, Kthor, which marks the debut of his real life brother, Ekta Kapoor, has been walking with a whip spending his entire life trying to find an adequate substitute for Smriti Irani. Ekta gives a crisp portrayal of the God of Thunder. Creating noise was never a problem.

Nick Fury, played by Rajinikanth, brings together the Ra.Onegers under the umbrella of S.H.I.E.L.A., with his best agent, Black Widow, played by Katrina Kaif, whose only job is to look hot in a tight leather suit that puts even Viveik Oberoi’s Prince get-up to shame.

Being the psychology expert of the team, she has a way of extracting information from others by playing the damsel in distress while sucking on a mango. Her job gets easier in the summer months with alphonsos being sold at a discount.

The movie centres on Black Widow’s hidden affair with Hawkeye, a direct descendent of Lord Arjun, who mastered his skill while they ran round trees singing RD Burman numbers.

The affair was revealed by the straight-talking Mr India, played by Anil Kapoor, a genetically modified ex-major-general brown bear made to appear human, who uses an impenetrable hand-held shield, also called Nokia E63. The love story forms the backbone of the plot as it is the only way to bring together 300 audience-members into a cinema in Ramnagar.

And The Cookie Crumbles..
The team comes together in unusual circumstances, when they lose their most pointless agent – Vinod. Heartfelt mourning for the future of the industry is the sound that brings together these seductive superheroes.

An untapped source of energy is what bring Low-key and the Ra.Onegers to an epic climactic war of words overseen by a Parliament Speaker requesting everyone to calm down.

Half way through the war, Low-key’s army stages a walk-out, which gives the Ra-Onegers a chance to send Low-key back into the oblivion of the Income-tax department, from where nothing ever returns.

Such will be the ghastly remake of a legendary Marvel Comics team set to the cartooning brilliance of Chhota Bheem. The Indian Avengers are not just any Hindi movie.

Even if it’s just Tridev and Trimurti put together, stories like this do bring us hope. They remind us that we should all keep our day jobs.

Kunal Rao is an ex chartered accountant who sits on Facebook all day and calls it “social media analysis”. His hidden ambition is to be a pop star.
What do you think when you think ‘celebrity’: “Rich.”
What makes you ROFL? “People who say ‘ROFL’.”
Do you think you are a celebrity: “Nope. They make money.”

From HT Brunch, May 20

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First Published: May 18, 2012 19:20 IST