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Why Hollywood likes to show it off on beaches

Beaches are more than places to get tanned in barely there bikins and briefs, writes Yashica Dutt.

brunch Updated: Jun 16, 2012 17:55 IST
Yashica Dutt

In the last three months, when I first promised to keep you updated about fashion, style and Hollywood bat-cr*p-craziness, a lot has changed.

Britney has an actual shot at reviving her pre-Madonna-kiss days, when every man with a cable connection was dying to hit her one more time, thanks to her stint as a judge on the US version on X-Factor alongside the popular hand-of-God-for-flagging-careers, Simon Cowell.

But what doesn't change, despite the endless, non-mention worthy award seasons and constant hook-ups and break-ups are the beach shots! Pre-holiday, post holiday, mid holiday, long weekend, small weekend, weekday, or just about any day, the one thing that stalker Hollywood news websites can rely on a slow news day are the shots of celebrities frolicking on the seaside.

Photo courtesy: onlypics.info

While our local ones would rather confess to their sordid married men affairs than roll on the sands of Juhu Beach or Marine Drive, international celebs have no such qualms. They will gladly offer you an a** shot, a nip-slip (the slippery water helps) or a full-frontal free view of their glorious six packs (just about any young Hollywood actress/actor).

But apart from an obvious chance at an R-rated porno worthy shot, there are many other uses for a near-naked afternoon at the beach.

Like declaring a pregnancy with a teeniest possible baby bump or grating rumours of that on a taut set of washboard abs. Or debuting a banging post pregnancy bod (how did Beyonce even make that possible after five months?). Announcing how well you have gotten over your ex-boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife of six months by showing up with a new arm candy (Katy Perry) or letting everyone just how fabulous your new love life is (Justin Beiber-Selena Gomez); Show off your countless tattoos even (Rihanna). Having a good day on the beach obviously not being a consideration.

Though not always do the paparazzi peck at what's offered to them on a sand-full platter. From diligent discussions on the bikini styles (halter/ two-piece/ retro/high-cut) to the style chips a certain starlet earned by her trendy cover-up, there is more than meets the eye for these bikini shots.

Like blown-up portions of cellulite that highlight how an actress let herself go, and saggy stomach flab featured along previous shots of a formerly muscled pin-up actor. Also, after having fat-shamed a certain star by tagging them as 'beach whales', the same sites waste no time in pulling out shots of their healthy past self to compare with the 'anorexic' state they are in, post a drastic weight loss.

Till it gets murkier, like former supermodel Stephanie Seymour was said to be snogging with a much younger man, who ultimately tuned out to be her 17 year old, sparking a debate about appropriate mother-son beach behaviour (Those were the pre-Time Magazine breast feeding cover days, obviously).

And there are always the reliable plastic surgery speculations to fall back on. More like declarations like in the case of Heidi Montag who after getting 10 plastic surgeries, debuted her inflated body on the beach.

Photo courtesy: onlypics.info

However, apart from being minefields of endless boob/a**/ab shows (the good ol' slideshow with the said body part) what beach shots do is let celebs get shot just like common folk, without the red-carpet cameras of course (hello, Daani Minogue, Paula Abdul!) .

Miley Cyrus, who grew up from Hannah Montana branded candy coloured jeggings to black leather thongs right before our eyes is engaged at 19, to "long-time" beau (read three years) and Hunger Games's star Liam Hemsworth. The ring allegedly took some thinking into.

And the queen-of-all-things-crack Lindsay Lohan snagged a mega TV series where she plays the legendary Liz Taylor and despite the cat-eye glasses and velvet gowns looks nothing like her (When you stop laughing, dread. For this might just be her ticket to an Oscar).

Also, if you must know Kim Kardashian has a new make-up line, a latest boyfriend (Kanye West, y'all) and a mint fresh wardrobe malfunction when she snapped the seams of her body stitched leather dress moments before a live broadcast. And we know that because she told us, on Twitter.