Witerati: Of Parottas, Pizzas & Presidential ‘running mates’
With takeaway food joints or apps resuming contactless deliveries post-Lockdown, the poor Parotta or Paratha may again be facing stiff, oops ‘stuff-ed’, competition from the Pizza, sparking another sort of ‘running’ ...Updated: Aug 15, 2020 19:57 IST
What’s with this seeming the season of ‘running’! While particular Princes of British royalty have been running (never mind if it’s only as far as the palatial portals) to fetch Poppadums landing from an Indian takeaway and while US Presidential wannabe Joe Biden has been dabbling in the other kind of running – unveiling a “running mate” of Indian descent Kamala Harris, any guess what our Lollitas, Lamba jis and Lally Singh jis have been running after?
Remember, Lamba jis and Lally jis being fixated over frozen foods of Lockdown called Parotta or the lighter Parota (lighter not in terms of calories but only lighter by a letter)? Well, ever since their moment of the “Mirror, mirror on the wall,” reminding them to mind their middle-class middle anatomies, they petulantly parted with their Parota partiality and did its copious consumption stall.
The Parotta’s loss has been the Pizza’s gain (not to say the Pizza isn’t itself contributing to gain, the one accruing on bulbous bellies built by the Parotta or Paratha). That exactly is what the Lollitas, Lamba jis & Co are running after – their Big Fat First Post-Lockdown Pizza.
Alas, if you thought all that India Quarantining’s readymade frozen Parotta gorging and gluttony has now propelled Lamba ji or Lally ji (L&L) to go gallivanting – bestirred out of bloating by a Jog-the-Hog kind of workout wisdom – to fetch that post-Lockdown Pizza from the nearest takeaway, perish the thought.
Blame it on Duke of Cambridge Prince William who sort of set a precedent of purely perambulating to the palatial portal for Poppadums, the only place Lamba ji or Lally Singh ji are breathlessly running to too – hold your breath – is the door!
So, the stage is set for the arrival of the Big Fat First Post-Lockdown Pizza, thanks to Domino’s or Zomato’s contactless delivery in Unlock. Thence begins the countdown, the minutes being clocked by Lamba ji or Lally ji with as much bated breath as if it were the legendary Sachin Tendulkar staging a spectacular stadium comeback.
Going by the adrenalin and anatomical animation defining their body language, it would surely seem so, that it is Sachin and not “Supreme” (pizza) that’s staging a return – Lamba ji or Lally ji squiggling to sprint out of their sedentary state every time the smartphone trills, the way a cricket-crazy fan squirms in the seat with his sights straddling the pavilion and pitch in a pupillary pining that only a ‘sport-a-holic’ or ‘Sachin-a-holic’ soul knows (in case of L&L, a pizza-holic soul).
Else, Lamba ji or Lally ji may be seen navigating a brisk walk while waiting for the delivery boy. Good for the middle anatomy of the middle class, one would think. But the catch being, the only places Lamba ji or Lally ji usually seem to stroll about in semi-Lockdown and in (pizza-pining’s) semi-stupor is from room to room, up and down the corridors (which are the New Normal’s Miniature Parks) or, oops, on Lollita’s toes.
When the call from the security guard finally comes intimating the arrival of the delivery boy from Swiggy, Domino’s & Co, Lamba Ji and Lally ji jounce up as if it were the Umpire’s voice booming, bellowing the breathtaking ‘Return of Sachin’. Their sentiment again is so akin to that of a Sachin-o-holic sports fan who may be sighted heaving and hurling himself out of the stadium seat to scurry towards the pavilion for Sachin’s wishful comeback. In similar style, sprinting towards the door is Lamba ji or Lally ji even before the landing of the lift that’s ferrying the delivery bloke. But before the sprinting for “Supreme”, Lamba ji & Co may be seen spraying sanitiser on the skin as liberally as if partaking in Kumbh Ka Shahi Snan. Or, worse, Lamba ji & Co’s lavishness with the liquid looks as if they’re going on a date with Pizza and the sanitiser is New Normal’s Eau De Cologne.
By the time the bell rings and Lamba ji or Lally ji lunges for the last leg of the ‘pizza-thon’, the delivery boy has done his deed and dashed off. It’s a blink-and-miss date.
Lo behold, even before Lamba ji & Co land at the landing, there is someone already tearing ‘n’ tucking into the Big Fat First Post-Lockdown Pizza standing at the gate.
The Curious Case of being checkmated by his chit of a Chihuahua called Chameli, the ‘running mate’!