Oases of wit and humour in the desert of banking

Spice of Life: During my long career, I did come across pen-pushers who used their pungent wit or humorous turn of phrase wherever they could find an occasion

When I landed in the desert of a banking job after flying for a while on the wings of literary aspirations, I felt a bit parched and suffocated. As the official correspondence was dominated by clichéd expressions and hackneyed phrases, providing little scope for giving vent to one’s flair for writing or witty self-expression, I resigned myself to the dreary banking life and routine officialese. But during my long career, I did come across, though not very often, some pen-pushers who used their pungent wit or humorous turn of phrase wherever they could find an occasion. A few juicy instances still stand out in memory even after 12 years of retirement.

As the official correspondence was dominated by clichéd expressions and hackneyed phrases, providing little scope for giving vent to one’s flair for writing or witty self-expression, I resigned myself to the dreary banking life and routine officialese. (Representational photo)

Once, during my posting at the zonal office of the bank, I dealt with the sanctions for expenditures incurred by the branches. Those days, we did not usually give permission for the use of taxi for carrying cash from one branch to another and insisted that the ordinary bus be used instead. But a branch manager pleaded his case with such a witty metaphor that I could not help but allow him the use of a taxi. He had written, “The buses are so crowded that it’s difficult to keep one’s body and soul together not to speak of the gun and the cash box by the guard.”

In another instance, we received a request for permission to purchase furniture and fixtures for a newly opened branch and also for its manager’s residence. It included the requisition for six ceiling fans and four pedestal fans. As happens in most zonal offices, such requests are not acceded to in the first instance. Thus, a routine query was mailed to the branch, “Please specify where these fans will be used.” We wanted to ascertain how many of these fans would be used in the branch premises and how many at the manager’s residence.

But the manager wrote back, perhaps with his tongue discreetly in his cheek, “Sir, the ceiling fans will be used on ceilings and the pedestal ones on pedestals.” Simple and harmless enough but laced with caustic wit!

Sometimes, senior executives are also caught off guard. They become a butt of a joke and cause an amusing repartee. Once, a note for payment of gratuity and terminal benefits of an employee of the bank was put up for sanction before the chief general manager. The case was that of a deceased employee, but the CGM, taking it for a routine retirement case, wrote a remark in red ink as to why such claims are not processed at least six months in advance. The officer down the ladder could not digest the remark and wrote back, apparently in an attempt to clear the misunderstanding, “Sir, we would have prepared the papers in advance, but the employee failed to provide us with the intimation of his premature death well in time.” I don’t know whether this reply reached the CGM’s table or not, but whoever read it on the way could not suppress a smile.

My most treasured piece in this context is an unusual compliment paid to me by my boss. Noticing my aptitude for detecting grammatical or syntactical slips and correcting them, he used to send to me various drafts for approval before finalizing them. Once when I spotted yet another glaring but not so easily noticeable mistake in the draft, he wrote on the margin, “Mr Parmar, these days you are doing better than VVS Laxman!”

It took me some time to realise what he actually meant. VVS Laxman had the reputation of being one of the best slip fielders in the Indian cricket team those days. parmar.ranbir@gmail.com

The writer is a Shimla-based freelance contributor