How to deal with grief during festivals

During festive times, grief can intensify, making joy elusive for those facing loss. Acknowledge feelings, seek support, and engage in soothing rituals.

MUMBAI: A 38-year-old man told me recently that he had lost his job and was finding it difficult to get a new one. He is filled with melancholy and despair in this festive season of an equal intensity that he felt when he lost his father. “My children are excited and social media is filled with happy pictures. I am however petrified thinking how the next few days of festivities will look for me as I feel no joy but the desire to run away,” he told me.

I have encountered this pronounced sentiment in many therapy sessions.

Whether it is losing a loved one, a job, a separation, an IVF procedure that didn’t work out, a friend drifting away, diagnosis of a chronic health condition – all of it feels like grief. At such times, festivals can take the shape of what has come to be known as a grief activator.

On such occasions, it is important to remember that regardless of the time when the losses may have occurred, during moments of celebrations, our feelings of missing a loved one, a recognition of our losses and what life could have been comes back with a vengeance and shows up in physical and emotional ways impacting our wellbeing.

As I mention in my book, ‘You will be alright: a guide to navigating grief’, “There are situations and occasions where the intensity of grief is heightened, and grief still feels raw and fresh. Some of these occasions can be first death anniversary, weddings, your own birthday, birthday of a loved one, social get-togethers, festivals and so on. It’s as if the anticipation of these ‘big days’ evokes feelings of absence, loss and sorrow.”

These grief activators make us feeling anxious, tearful, sad, overwhelmed, more irritable than usual and even lead to a sense of exhaustion. These feelings can be sneaky and when we find ourselves consumed them on festive days, we can’t make sense of our own feelings.

If you are struggling with feelings of loss, learn to recognize them. Give yourself the permission to grieve and acknowledge the loss.

During the festive season I suggest to clients that they become mindful of their own levels of energy and think about how and what they would like to do or not do during festivals. It may also help to discuss this with a friend or a family member for support and executing an action plan. The grieving individual then does not feel alone.

I also tell my clients to stay away from social media as happy pictures can remind you of your own loss, financial concerns and evoke sadness. It’s also a good idea to mindfully engage in soothing rituals that can help one keep calm and regulate their mood. So, whether it’s an act of going to the temple, or a run, watching your favorite comedy show or meditation – choose to structure your day and engage in these activities.

As I mention in my book, there is no hierarchy when it comes to the losses we experience. So, learn to hold space for yourself, your loss and don’t trivialize what you are going through. That is the biggest act of compassion you can offer yourself in festive moments.