About a month ago, I took a solo trip to the Kochi Biennale. This wasn’t my first time travelling by myself, I have done it many times and enjoy it deeply. Yet I was surprised to see something fundamental shift this time around. While Kochi had lots of solo travellers, most people–be it at restaurants or coffee shops–were busy looking into their phones, wearing headphones, and eating their meals quietly without making eye contact. As someone who enjoys talking to strangers—whether on the train, at a play, or a pub–it felt strangely sad.
However, I did manage to have some conversations with a restaurant owner who gave me recommendations on what to eat in Kochi and suggested using the water metro and public transport. Then came a lovely conversation with a couple from Hungary, who had interesting stories to tell and mindful questions to ask about India and my life. More than the content of these conversations, these brief interactions offered a sense of connection, warmth, laughter and diverse perspectives. It immediately lifted my mood.
Ever since I got back I have been meditating on this question: “What has shifted so much in our universe that we no longer speak to strangers?” As a therapist, this question gains greater importance, especially when loneliness, disconnection and mistrust in the world seem to be the top concerns that clients bring to therapy. We live in a time where we need each other and our communities far more than ever. Yet, I’m witnessing a shift toward isolation and shrinking of one’s own world, leaving no space for micro-interactions, curiosity, and exploration. My worry is that we are heading towards social atrophy. We are choosing not to use our social skills—by disengaging with others and spending time alone, and then overly soothing ourselves with technology. My worry is that our emotional muscle for social connection will witness a slow insidious decline. As a result, our discomfort with social interactions will only increase. Not talking to strangers is part of this social atrophy where we have moved toward self-absorption and hyper individualization which, in turn, is taking us away from the very qualities that make us human. We are primed for social connection and often forget how crucial it is for our well-being and its impact on our daily life.
I am not making a case for talking to strangers everywhere. Of course, one has to do this in safe situations but a big part of adulting in a volatile, unpredictable world is building an appetite for surprise, wonder, and curiosity. Learning how to trust and take calculated risks is all a part of it. Talking to strangers sometimes can be one of those risks that come with a huge return on investment. One of the ways in which we can hijack ourselves is when we fall for the illusion of the ‘spotlight effect,’ where we believe that people notice and remember everything we said, what we wore or how we appeared. This miscalculation of how much attention or judgment others are showering us impedes our capacity for initiative. The reality is much simpler: What most people remember, particularly details of appearance, is fleeting. What they do remember is how people made them feel—did they evoke a smile, were they kind—and how their world view changed us in brief moments of interaction. Research consistently shows that while most people feel awkward, shy and worry about how a stranger will receive their conversation, the reality is that most people are surprised by how a few minutes of engagement can shift their current mood, and helps them feel seen.
{{/usCountry}}I am not making a case for talking to strangers everywhere. Of course, one has to do this in safe situations but a big part of adulting in a volatile, unpredictable world is building an appetite for surprise, wonder, and curiosity. Learning how to trust and take calculated risks is all a part of it. Talking to strangers sometimes can be one of those risks that come with a huge return on investment. One of the ways in which we can hijack ourselves is when we fall for the illusion of the ‘spotlight effect,’ where we believe that people notice and remember everything we said, what we wore or how we appeared. This miscalculation of how much attention or judgment others are showering us impedes our capacity for initiative. The reality is much simpler: What most people remember, particularly details of appearance, is fleeting. What they do remember is how people made them feel—did they evoke a smile, were they kind—and how their world view changed us in brief moments of interaction. Research consistently shows that while most people feel awkward, shy and worry about how a stranger will receive their conversation, the reality is that most people are surprised by how a few minutes of engagement can shift their current mood, and helps them feel seen.
{{/usCountry}}Talking to strangers isn’t just about connection, it’s a way of sustaining trust in the world. While so many of us wait for big moments of joy and happiness to arrive, we forget that life is made up of small moments where we feel seen even if briefly.
We forget the power that stranger kindness, an act of attention from someone who barely knows us and a spontaneous conversation which lasts for few minutes is enough to evoke hope, trust and offer a witnessing which we all crave in a world that more and more feels performative
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