The emotional costs of ‘parentification’

A 50-year-old female client in therapy tells me, “I never really knew what it meant to be a child

A 50-year-old female client in therapy tells me, “I never really knew what it meant to be a child. I feel I grew up too early in life and spent all my childhood trying to take care of my Mum. She was never diagnosed with depression, but she struggled with it for years. I was an ideal child, I never asked for anything and I didn’t really complain. I was always on the lookout for how my mother was feeling, and what she was going through.”

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“Who listened to you when you were a child?” I asked.

“I never thought about it, and no one has asked me this. Maybe this is why I’m in therapy.”

The client had reached out as she felt emotionally exhausted and wondered why she found it so hard to be vulnerable and depend on others. Most of my work with her was focused on unpacking what it means to be vulnerable and understanding if there was anything in her childhood that had influenced her behaviors and beliefs in adult life. What emerged from our sessions was that she had spent a large chunk of her childhood taking on the adult role of a parent where she physically and emotionally cared for her mother. This role reversal, where a child begins to take on physical and emotional responsibilities, for either their parents or their sibling’s wellbeing, taking on the role of ‘caregiver’ is what is referred to as ‘parentification’.

What happens with parentification is that the child takes on multiple roles of becoming a friend, therapist for either their parent or sibling and at other times, the role of caregiving when it comes to physically paying the bills, running chores, not discussing their own illness and taking themselves to the doctor, doing tasks that are not age appropriate such as learning to cook and pack their own tiffin boxes and that of their parents or siblings. The primary concern here is that child’s own needs, their childhood, and the fact that they need to be taken care of, loved, and provided for, gets compromised or even absent sometimes. This can often look like physical and emotional neglect. At the same time a lot of these care-giving behaviors taken on by the child get reinforced and appreciated by adults in the family which in turn contributes to these behaviors continuing.

It’s important to remember that parentified adults often come from families where there was abuse, violence, drug or alcohol abuse, death, or one of their parents being physically ill or struggling emotionally with diagnosed or undiagnosed mental illness. From a child’s perspective, caring for their family also becomes a way of receiving love, appreciation and in turn feeling seen, which is absent otherwise. However, these responsibilities can be burdening for a child and come in the way of their own emotional, social development and shape how they interpret relationships. Research shows that children who take on the role of caregiving are at the risk of overinvesting in their relationships as adults be it in their friendships or romance. Their identity and self-esteem get too attached to the caregiving role and they may be at a greater risk for anxiety, low mood and even perfectionism. They often don’t talk about their needs, desires, and struggle to have fun and build play in their life. They may find it hard to ask for help, support or even allow others to love them. They may focus a lot on achievement and constantly be in the ‘doing mode,’ finding it hard to relax or pause.

Having said that, we as adults can do inner work, unlearn, and figure new ways to navigate the world, all of which next column will explore.