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Getting free in ?03

New Year resolutions are like a second marriage: the triumph of hope over experience.

india Updated: Dec 28, 2002 22:16 IST

New Year resolutions are like a second marriage: the triumph of hope over experience. Even if we know that they won’t survive beyond the hangover, we still bravely promise ourselves that we will wring out the old, and turn a new fig leaf.

The past year was like a Bollywood film. Banal plot, diversionary sub-plots, fading/shining/rising stars , lots of heave and shove, much song and dance without taking the story-line anywhere, cops arriving on the scene, but the culprits living happily ever after. Besides, the much-touted impact of Bollywood on the global consciousness was more ‘Bombay Dreamz’ than ‘Ek Badisi Love Story’. So, just as sequels never work in films, it’s best that we make a funeral bonfire of the vanities of 2002, and resolve not to resurrect them in 2003.

Here’s an A-Z:

Ambanis should not takeover the whole of India; we don’t want to become self-Reliance.

Bachchan should not let Amar Singh be his Agony Aunt.

CBI should not draft any more charge-sheets, considering that they’ve managed to let go every Anees and his nephew.

Disinvestment should not be applied to the honourable minister, who hasn’t had smooth sale-ing.

Electile dysfunction should not become the chronic ailment of the body poll-itic.

Films costing less than the GDP of Bihar should not be made. That’s too easy. I’ll correct that to film costumes less than...

General Musharraf should not write our foreign/defence/economic/tourism policy. But Messrs Gere and Gates could if their AIDS estimates are more reliable than those of the Shotgun.

Hindutva should not result in Hind-tutva.

Iraq should not become Scud Row just because Bush’s Big Dad didn’t get to wreak his wrath on Baghdad.

Jayalalitha should not become a Tamil-stone round the NDA’s neck again.

Kabhi, spelt any which way, should not figure in any more film titles.

LoC and Laloo should not be all about loose missiles.

Modi should not.

Naina Lal Kidwai should not stop.

Osama should not terrorise USama.

Petrol pumps should not dispense grease.

Quattrocchi should not restart Scam Progetti.

Rane should not Jet-tison airline security.

Sourav should not lose his shirt, or whip it off.

Tehelka should not become a self-Defence manual.

UTI should not make us lose trust, savings and sleep.

Veerappan should not try to compete with Osama.

World Cup fever should not give us marketing shivers.

X’mas should not be about `Hark, the Herald Salesmen Sing’.

Yasser Arafat should not have a close shave.

Zindagi should not be mautified by our inhumanity.

* * *

Alec Smart said, “Happy New, yaar.’’

First Published: Dec 29, 2002 00:00 IST