Cancelling plans or saying no to things you don’t wish to do is absolutely normal, and you have every right to make that choice. However, doing it too often can make you seem unreliable and may affect your relationships over time. While there is no one-size-fits-all rule for cancelling plans, how and when you do it can make a difference.
In this edition of ‘The Social Rules Nobody Taught Us’, HT Lifestyle spoke to Arouba Kabir, emotional and mental health expert and founder of Enso Wellness, to decode when it is okay to cancel plans, how to say no without feeling guilty, and where to draw the line between setting boundaries and repeatedly backing out of commitments.
Psychology behind cancelling plans
Arouba highlighted that we often agree to plans because saying no feels rude. We agree to dinners when we are exhausted, weddings where we barely know the couple, and family functions where our main role is to answer, “So, what are you doing these days?” Later, as the date approaches, we begin hoping for rain, traffic or a minor national emergency.
“Psychologically, this happens because the person making the plan is our present self, who is optimistic and sociable,” said Arouba. The person expected to attend is our future self, who may be tired, overworked or desperate for a quiet evening. Unfortunately, present us rarely consult future us.
When is cancelling acceptable?
{{/usCountry}}“Psychologically, this happens because the person making the plan is our present self, who is optimistic and sociable,” said Arouba. The person expected to attend is our future self, who may be tired, overworked or desperate for a quiet evening. Unfortunately, present us rarely consult future us.
When is cancelling acceptable?
{{/usCountry}}Certainly when you are ill, emotionally overwhelmed, facing an emergency or concerned about your safety. It is also acceptable when you recognise that attending would leave you resentful, distracted or unable to participate meaningfully. Protecting your wellbeing is not selfish. “But ‘I don’t feel like it’ cannot become a weekly policy,” highlighted Arouba. If we cancel repeatedly, especially at the last minute, people stop trusting our yes.
There is also a difference between cancelling an informal coffee and withdrawing from an event where someone has booked tickets, cooked for ten people or depended on our help.
How to cancel without making it sound rude?
According to Arouba, the rule is simple: cancel early, be honest and acknowledge the inconvenience. If the relationship matters, suggest another day. “I’m exhausted and won’t be in good company tonight. Can we meet Saturday?” is kinder than disappearing and posting photographs from somewhere else two hours later.
Cancelling a plan does not automatically make us unreliable. Sometimes it means we understand our limits. But respecting our limits should not mean ignoring somebody else’s time. The healthiest boundaries come with consideration and preferably before the other person has ordered the starters.