Humour by Rehana Munir: Family like friends

Keepers of memory and makers of merry, cousins fulfil a crucial role

Relationships are complicated. Parental angst is a running theme across the species. Romance is a permanent obstacle course. Siblings and friends need careful tending, else they turn into that delicate flowering plant you brought home and turned into a desolate Beckettian prop in just a few weeks. Colleagues disappoint. Neighbours bore. Even strangers can seem baleful. And so, we all need somebody who’s well-informed about our personal history and invested in our well-being while making no unreasonable demands on our time and emotions. Let’s hear it for cousins, that category of loved ones who don’t make a big deal about love and categories. They just are. Hurrah.

They’ll never let you forget

This personal history business is a big one. As one grows older and crankier, it’s not always easy to provide context about one’s life to friends and acquaintances. It’s tiring to have to explain things about one’s upbringing, worldview and lifestyle choices, even to those one is close to. This is where cousins never fail. The family shorthand, made up of anecdotes ranging from the whimsical to the wild, is the glue that binds. A visiting cousin just surprised me with this one; he described a close relative’s recent behaviour as “full bog”. And I instantly understood what he meant: crazy. He was referring to an incident that occurred about three decades ago where I, bogged down by an impending algebra exam, feverishly muttered “bog” in my sleep.

I’ve never been allowed to forget about the incident. But the embarrassment is long past. It’s now a phrase liberally used in the family lexicon, without any direct allusion to its origin. Similarly, the memorable quotes of a favourite cousin are passed around like salt at gatherings. Sample this unironic utterance: “I, too, want to donate my eyes. But after I die.” Classic.

Balancing the equation

It’s not just beer, biryani and banter all the time either. There are, of course, conflicts that arise even in the largely peaceful province of cousinship. But the best thing about the bond is that it is reinforced by similar bonds surrounding it. What a comfort it is to belong to a largely equal and open equation; several cousins originating from the same set of siblings makes for space to breathe, manoeuvre and vent in. Slights and snubs become easier to bear when you have someone around who understands the protagonists in all their complexity. It is a rare pleasure to complain about someone you love to someone who loves them equally. There is a tacit understanding that the cousinly balance will soon be restored without anyone thinking less of anyone else. Mostly, there’s such potential to indulge in guilt-free wickedness. Muhahahaha.

Sometimes, the balance takes longer to restore. And aunts and uncles have a way of casting a shadow on cousinly ties in the most tiresome ways. Invariably, it’s property that does it. Often, it’s a longstanding grudge. Occasionally, it’s something as banal as bad cooking. But the trick is to rise above the, err, bog of family politics and establish a utopia of free rangers more interested in fun and feasting than in protocol and real estate.

What’s your song?

Not all relationships have survived the Covid test. But chances are you’ll still have a blast when you meet your long-distance cousins after the long break. Any life coach worth her healing crystals will tell you that you shouldn’t take people for granted. I’m not saying that doesn’t apply to cousins—but you do have more leeway with them than with others. The WhatsApp group with them might not always be active, but there’s a strong, invisible current of understanding that keeps it charged, ready for use when needed.

Like in any group dynamic, there are major and minor players. The older cousins usually dominate, with one prevailing as the Cousin-in-Chief. The younger ones slip in and out of relevance, but elicit warmth and protectiveness nonetheless. Spouses and partners join the merry gang, offering juicy opportunities for gossip but also the renewal of old bonds. Every now and then, there comes an evening where everyone mixes in a crazy whirl of affection, fuelled by familial affinity and that one song—Jumma Chumma, in our case. That’s where the magic lies.

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From HT Brunch, December 3, 2022

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