Love or obsession? Therapist explains why we get fixated on certain people and what it really means

Therapist shares the signs that can help you tell the difference between deep attachment and fixation.

Sometimes, one person can occupy your thoughts more than you expected. You may find yourself constantly checking your phone, replaying conversations, seeking their attention, or feeling unsettled when they pull away. But when does intense attraction or attachment cross the line into obsession? Therapist John Kim took to Instagram on August 30, 2026, to explain why we become fixated on certain people and how to tell the difference between love and obsession.

How to know if it's love or obsession?

According to John Kim, one of the biggest mistakes we make is assuming the intensity of a feeling tells us something about the person's importance. It doesn't always. Sometimes the person you can't stop thinking about isn't the love of your life. They're the person who created the most uncertainty in your life, because the brain loves an unfinished story.

“And there's actually a reason intermittent reinforcement is so powerful. When rewards are unpredictable, we can become more persistent about pursuing them. It's one of the reasons slot machines are so compelling. Some relationships accidentally become emotional slot machines,” highlighted John.

Difference between love and obsession

Obsession and love can feel incredibly similar in the body while producing completely different experiences in your life. Obsession tends to shrink your world. You check your phone, re-read messages, analyse punctuation, watch whether they're online, talk about them constantly, neglect things that normally make you feel like yourself, and their attention determines whether Tuesday is a good day.

Obsession and love can feel incredibly similar in the body while producing completely different experiences in your life.

Love should eventually expand your world. It gives room for them and your friends, your work, your interests, your silence, and yourself.

But obsession asks: "How do I get them?"

Love eventually asks: “Who are they?”

That's a huge difference.

John highlighted that sometimes we're not obsessed with the actual person. We're obsessed with the version we've created from incomplete information. The unavailable person is perfect soil for fantasy because reality hasn't had enough time to ruin the screenplay. You don't know how they handle money, how they fight after three years, whether they leave dishes in the sink, what they're like when they're sick, bored, disappointed, insecure, tired, or no longer trying to impress you.

You have twenty percent of a human being, and your imagination quietly manufactures the other eighty. Then you fall in love with your own construction.

How do you stop?

“I don't think you start by trying to stop thinking about them. That's like telling yourself not to think about a red elephant. Instead, stop feeding the loop,” said John.

Stop checking, stop rereading, stop creating accidental reasons to contact them, stop using their social media as a surveillance camera, stop asking mutual friends for updates, and most importantly, start separating what actually happened from what you imagined could happen.

You have twenty percent of a human being, and your imagination quietly manufactures the other eighty.

Write two columns if you need to.

What did this person actually give me?

What was I hoping they eventually would?

That gap is the truth and can also set you free. Then rebuild the parts of your life that disappeared while you were staring at them. Friends, movement, work, creativity, dating, sleep, food, and whatever reminds you that your life existed before this person became the sun.

And ask yourself the question underneath all of it:

What does getting this person finally prove about me?

That I'm desirable?

That I'm worthy?

That I'm not abandoned?

That I won?

That this time someone unavailable finally chose me?

Because sometimes we're not trying to get the person. We're trying to get a different ending to an old story.

And that's why letting go can feel so much bigger than losing them. You're also surrendering the ending you were hoping they would give you, and maybe that's one of the clearest differences between love and obsession. Love allows you to see someone as they are. Obsession requires them to become who you need them to be.

Note for the readers: This article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. Please consult a qualified expert for personalised guidance.