What truly makes someone a great partner? Is it emotional intelligence, physical chemistry, or how well they communicate? While all of these play a role, there's one trait that often outweighs the rest when it comes to long-term compatibility. According to relationship expert Jeff Guenther, this one quality can serve as a powerful predictor of whether someone will make a supportive, reliable partner. (Also read: Sleeping in separate beds as a couple? Relationship expert shares what it really means )
On his June 5 Instagram post, Jeff shared, “After 20 years as a couples therapist, I can tell you it's not how well they talk about their feelings, it's not shared interests, and it's definitely not whether they've been to therapy (although that doesn't hurt).”
What really makes a relationship work?
He went on to explain what really matters, "I'm going to tell you what it actually is, why it matters way more than you think, and what to do if it's something you're still working on. It's flexibility, not physical flexibility, although being able to touch your toes is cute. I'm talking about psychological flexibility. That means you can sit with uncomfortable emotions without lashing out."
{{/usCountry}}He went on to explain what really matters, "I'm going to tell you what it actually is, why it matters way more than you think, and what to do if it's something you're still working on. It's flexibility, not physical flexibility, although being able to touch your toes is cute. I'm talking about psychological flexibility. That means you can sit with uncomfortable emotions without lashing out."
{{/usCountry}}Jeff elaborated, "You can shift perspectives instead of clinging to being right. You can stay present during conflict instead of shutting down or spiralling. And you can act in alignment with your values even when your nervous system is lighting up like a pinball machine."
Citing research, he added, "According to a massive review of over 170 studies involving 44,000 people, psychological flexibility is one of the strongest predictors of relationship success."
How to build psychological flexibility
Wondering what to do if you or your partner struggles with this? Jeff recommends: “It's a skill” and here's where to start:
- Practise pausing instead of reacting.
- Try saying, 'Here's what I'm feeling right now,' before launching into blame.
- Ask yourself mid-conflict, 'What would the connected version of me do right now?' and remind yourself that you don't have to win, you just have to understand.
"To be clear, psychological flexibility isn't just emotional intelligence. It's your ability to adapt when emotions get loud, to stay open, grounded, and value-driven even when things feel messy. It's being able to pivot without disconnecting from who you are or what really matters. Because being a good partner isn't about being perfect, it's about being flexible enough to love and be loved through the hard stuff," Jeff concludes.
Here's the clinical research Jeff referred to: https://www.rochester.edu/newscenter/psychological-flexibility-romantic-familial-relationships-462812/
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