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Why do we fall for someone unattainable...

The calmness trick, if you are also hopelessly in love - in your thoughts - with someone who cannot be yours, is to positively enjoy that feeling, writes Sonal Kalra.

sex and relationships Updated: Apr 21, 2009 22:03 IST

Today I’m going to write on a sensitive subject. I don’t think Pappu Singh could give any advice on this one. In fact, I don’t think even I can. But the problem is so pervasive, particularly among adolescents and young adults, that this stress can’t be ignored.

Pick up any agony aunt column in a magazine or newspaper... what’s the most common question? Ok, all those whose mind went straight to “I masturbate 400 times a day, will it make me weak?” — please kick yourself twice for having a one-track mind and the rest stay on with me.

Common worries
The most common question is: “I’m in love with someone who I can’t be with (either he/she is a super-hot celebrity, or already married, or in a relationship with someone, or simply not interested). How do I try to deal with this stress?” Well, my answer is.. don’t. Yes.. as a first step, don’t ‘try to deal with it’.

Accept that it’s not abnormal to fall in love with someone who’s totally out of your league — he or she could be a film star, your boss, your teacher or even your best friend’s caring wife (who, by the way, seem caring only as long as they are someone else’s).

What’s abnormal, or rather a cause of concern, however, is when you start to think that you need to do anything about it. Or when you begin to develop a complex because of not being able to attain the object of your desire.

Chaddhaji’s teenaged daughter, who has plastered the walls of her room with posters of Brad Pitt, having neatly cut out Angelina Jolie from all of them, was fine till she started scribbling Mrs Bansuri Chaddha-Pitt 100 times on the back page of her school notebooks and began a ‘16-Monday’ fast to ensure that Lord Shiva somehow gets Brad on the next flight to Patparganj.

Now that’s where she, and millions like her, need to be told that the ‘feeling of feeling for someone special’ is borne out of your own thoughts and not binding on you somehow getting that person in your life.

In most cases, what we are in love with is not the person, but the perception of him or her in our minds. The one who seems an epitome of perfection to us from every angle may be an annoying monster to those who actually have him/her in their lives. If those film stars were like the best gifts God could give to their partners, why would there be divorces or separations in their relationships?

Calm down
The calmness trick, if you are also hopelessly in love — in your thoughts — with someone who cannot be yours, is to positively enjoy that feeling and not go on an overdrive to take it to a level where it ceases to be a ‘healthy’ crush.

You have to set your own boundaries. Writing fan mail everyday or waiting for hours to get an autograph is okay — slitting your wrists to write a letter in blood, or not appreciating your own partner for not being ‘as good’, is so not done. Fantasising is great, getting obsessive is crazy. Take your pick.

Sonal Kalra is getting a treat today. She called up Chaddha ji’s residence and asked for Bansuri Pitt. Mail your calmness tricks to her at

First Published: Apr 21, 2009 21:54 IST