Guest columns: Impulsive thoughts? Pause and breathe

When one comes face-to-face with disruptive situations, especially those involving children, it comes as a learning opportunity for both parties involved

My mother says that when we speak to someone and mention that our kids “trouble” us, for instance, when we at times say of babies that s/he kept crying the entire night and didn’t let us sleep even for a minute… isn’t that an injustice to the kids?

Parents need to ensure that children are nurtured and encouraged, whatever the situation. (HT File)

I adore her for this question; for the implicit message is that children themselves are feeling either too overwhelmed or too troubled – and putting it the other way round affects their emotional state. That’s borderline selfish as the focus is solely only on oneself. Further, since it has already been proven (with emergence of new fields like neuro-linguistic programming) that words do exert a tremendous power over us, why not reframe our sentences to allow space and acceptance - both for kids and our own selves?

And so, recently when I had some disruptive students in my class, I told myself that it’s a learning phase both for them, and my own self. And when I was about to blame a particular person (for a certain behaviour), I paused and reflected on why the action had even irked me (since it was only their own persona’s reflection and probably had nothing to do with me)…Here, it is also worth mentioning that we often erroneously take things personally. Despite some major commonalities within all humans, each individual has a very different script of talking, thinking, acting and behaving. Reminds me of a poem “Reunion” that often gets found on various social media. It goes like this:

The heartthrob of the school,

is a man grim and somber.

That lanky little girl,

is now a weightlifter.

The topper of the class,

is a happy homemaker.

Back bencher of the lot,

is a serial entrepreneur.

The flamboyant fashionista,

became a dreaded lawyer.

Oft ignored average Joe,

turned a well-known writer.

The one who failed math paper,

is a fashion designer,

& one who often got to stand outside class,

is a respected army officer.

The reunion taught me how,

people come with many layers,

and told me why we should never,

judge a book by its cover.

Nothing needs to be said regarding the poem, it is one for self-contemplation of a creation. But yes, if one finds a particular thing irritating/unpleasant, they can try to just pause, reset and restart. When one pauses, they find a breather that filters out the impulsive and less-civilised thoughts, conclusions, and/or words. When they reset, it’s a reminder that their behaviour is theirs to choose and in a way, they reclaim their own power to react or not react. Third, when one restarts, they come out more refined and polished in view of the efforts put into and the consequences of the first two steps. A word for women here, take these three steps as if you are adjusting your crowns! For not everyone knows everyone else’s struggle, you have got to pat your back yourself! Our buckets of self-esteem have to be first filled by our own selves… the outer world can only then add, in whatever form, to these buckets…

Lastly, one often finds themselves wishing, during conversations, that a particular person faring very well in life, or a one not so much, going to great lengths to ensure that our kids always fall in the former category. Please know that each flower blooms differently. And as a famous saying goes in the context of schooling and parenting, “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid…”. We simply need to ensure that children are nurtured and encouraged, whatever the situation.

reemaban@gmail.com

(The writer is a Jagadhri-based freelance contributor.)