With Love: Don’t play the numbers game, says Simran Mangharam - Hindustan Times
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With Love: Don’t play the numbers game, says Simran Mangharam

Hindustan Times | BySimran Mangharam
Nov 08, 2020 10:22 PM IST

Couples with large age gaps, especially where the man is younger, face an intense kind of opposition. With parents especially, it helps to frame arguments with logic, not emotion.

They met on a flight in January and felt an instant connection. The bond has only grown since. But, like all great romantic stories, there’s a catch. He’s 22, she’s 31, and this bothers her endlessly.

French President Emmanuel Macron, 43, with wife Brigitte, 67. ‘I like to remind those I counsel that compatibility don’t come within age brackets,’ Mangharam says.(HT File Photo)
French President Emmanuel Macron, 43, with wife Brigitte, 67. ‘I like to remind those I counsel that compatibility don’t come within age brackets,’ Mangharam says.(HT File Photo)

In our coaching sessions, I probe deeper to understand the reasons for her concern. Does she find him immature? Is he less worldly-wise? Does she fear either of them might later want someone closer in age? She says no to all of the above.

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It comes down to what their parents and society at large “will say”. There is always this concern in couples with a large age difference, especially when it involves an older woman.

How concerned should couples be about this kind of thing?

I do brief surveys in the course of my coaching, from time to time, and lately I’ve made an effort to speak to couples with a substantial age gap where the woman is older. I found one theme was mentioned repeatedly by them all — the parents on both sides tend to take it hard.

The concerns usually follow the same path. What will you have in common when you’re 60 and he’s 50? How will you raise your children together? When will you have children if he’s still in his mid-20s and you’re already 35?

Sandeep and Mini met and fell in love when she was 35 and he was 27. The eight-year gap didn’t bother them, but it was an uphill task with the parents. A strategy they came up with worked very well. They each decided to find an ally in the same generation as the parents (an aunt on one side, a family friend on the other). Having them present at the initial conversations smoothed away some of the parents’ anxiety.

The couple also worked to find answers to some of the questions they knew would be raised — like children, and money.

When the question of children came up, the couple explained that they did want a child and would aim to have one before Mini turned 40 (they did).

Another concern they had foreseen was the anxiety over the difference in incomes. Mini earns considerably more than her husband, and can be expected to continue to do so. The couple explained to their parents that this was in no way an issue for either of them, and also discussed how they planned to manage their joint finances in a way that was equitable.

It took a month of calm, confident reassurance over hours of communication, but Sandeep and Mini eventually managed to get their parents to see things their way. They’ve now been married six years and live with Sandeep’s mother, who dotes on their four-year-old son.

It’s worth mentioning here that a lot of young people who hope to be taken seriously by their parents in matters of the heart, tend to present their case as if their passion were their only argument. “But I love her!” “I can’t imagine my life without him.”

Instead, it helps to invest some of that emotion in talking things through, first between yourselves, then with your parents and even perhaps as two families soon to be connected through matrimony.

The more potential issues you address, the more ready you are for a life together anyway, and the better you can advocate for yourselves and your future together.

As for those who just won’t see reason, I like to lead with the fact that maturity and compatibility don’t come within age brackets. I know plenty of 30-year-olds who live like unruly teenagers. And plenty of couples perfectly matched in age yet totally incompatible.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)

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