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Kylie, kya?

The Australian of the week was Glenn McGrath, not Kylie Minogue.

india Updated: Mar 03, 2003 16:10 IST

The Australian of the week was Glenn McGrath, not Kylie Minogue. But looking at the way the media madly wagged its tail over the way she wiggled hers you could be forgiven for making this mistake.

Ms Minogue’s ‘yum bum’ has been the butt of attention for the last couple of years — and fully grown up men have made a complete ass of themselves over it. Two Fridays ago, the media got into a feeding frenzy over it again, following Justin Timberlane’s frenzied feeling-up of it during the raunchy duet he performed with her at the British Music Awards ceremony in London. He made a grab for her irresistible bottie in full view of the cameras, thus firming up its place in posteriorty.

None of the pyrotechnic popstar’s songs had even been nominated for an award, but after her rumpustious performance of ‘Rapture’ that night, the tabloids promptly gave her the title, ‘Hit of the Brits’. Justin, zapped by his ‘out of body’ experience, reverentially exclaimed, “On a scale of one to ten, Kylie’s bum is a 58.” Clearly, men can’t keep away from sticky buns any more than they can from ‘chesticles’.

To no one’s surprise, this event seriously competed in news value with her fellow-Australian claiming the World Cup’s highest scalping of 7 for 15 in the team’s extermination of Namibia at Potchefstroom six days later. Arguably, Kylie’s bowling-over record is far ahead of McGrath’s.

Kylie fans wouldn’t like to be referred to as ‘fannies’, so when, the heat and verbiage grew to such a meltdown level, they despatched a letter begging her to ensure that people didn’t get the wrong end of her talent. Afraid that her ‘curvy bot’ would be her musical downfall, they pleaded, ‘Promise that you’ll try to get that booty of yours out of our heads’. Forgive me for presuming that the said appendage has a lower impact.

At first, I got my knickers in a twist over this ridiculous media hype over an anatomical feature which you can find in most animals. But mulling over it, I’ve come to the conclusion that, far from being a piece of fluff, Kylie’s sexy number fully merited the high-voltage media coverage it got. It deserved to hold more attention than the Iraq War, the NAM conference, the Dawood brothers being brought back to India, the Hinduja brothers being allowed to leave India, the Railway Budget, THE Budget, THE Match...

Indeed, not only is it more pleasurable to get worked up over the Minogue moons than over the daily harbingers of doom and gloom, every one of this week’s headlines lends itself to the imagery of the bottom-line.

Take the USA (if they’ll give you a visa). Not only does Bush want to bumbard Iraq, he seems to have had this fetish for some time. Last year, when his mind was Laden with other forms of scary cellulite, he actually said that Americans might be supporting terrorism by not being in good physical shape. Setting out on his weekly three-mile run, the trimmed Bush was quoted as: “There may be evil lurking in the expanding thighs and bulbous buttocks of Americans.” One way or the other, that guy’s always giving someone a bum rap.

At Kuala Lumpur, Musharraf once again upped the ante by mentioning the contentious ‘K’ word. He did not do so just NAM ke vaste; he did it as provocatively as Kylie at the Brit Awards. He did it in an ‘up-yours’ act of deliberate defiance. But he should know that whoever initiates the full Monty is also likely to be caught with his pants down.

I will refrain from commenting on the derrieres of those occupying our own seats of power. All I will venture to say is that, barring a few sexy exceptions, their behinds can hardly be described as Delhectable.

The imminent elections prevented the Finance Minister from sprinting into the Budgym, and trimming the fiscal gluteus maximus muscle. Jaswant Singh is by nature a kickass kind of man, but tax-payers have been spared the type of stern action he took when he headed the Foreign Ministry. For once, the middle classes have not been given the usual bum deal.

As you can see, every item of news can be seen through the prism of the Minogue Wiggle — even that holy of holies, the India-Pakistan match. Our overheated bookies simply refused to take any bets on whether Kylie’s pace was the more blistering, or whether that Men-ogle in black had more spin than our Men in blue. Besides, butt or bat, both are prone to whacking.

***

Alec Smart said, “Why did Jaswant go easy on us? Because he knew the match would be taxing.”