Here’s to us: Simran Mangharam, on the bond we build with ourselves

We scramble to impress others, but don’t really ask what we want. Start the year by changing this, and watch as the world shifts to make more room for you too.

We think of a new year as a fresh start. We make resolutions aimed at improving our lives and relationships.

Pause, breathe, make room for yourself. We could all learn from the Japanese philosophy of ma, or intentional emptiness. It shows up over and over in Studio Ghibli films, in quiet, still moments such as this one from Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989).

If these don’t last very long, it’s because deep down we know very little has changed. We carry the same selves into the new calendar. Our fears, hurt and grudges still shape us.

I have learnt, through the course of my practice (and from life itself), that true happiness can only come from the people in our lives. Our levels of joy are intrinsically linked to the bonds we have with parents, siblings, partner, children, friends, colleagues. There’s a crucial bond that rarely makes this list, and should, though it shapes so much. This week, I’d like to focus on the bond we craft with ourselves.

Even those of us who are vigilant in our relationships tend to care far more about how others treat us. We almost never consider how we treat ourselves.

There is, of course, an evolutionary imperative at play. The opinions of others mattered because we depended, for our survival, on the kind regard and good offices of the larger group. Millions of years on, in many ways, this is still true. We are raised with a sense of regard for the opinions of elders and “betters” because each of us is going to need a larger community.

Tucked away within this is the message that our own wishes matter less. To put oneself first is to be selfish. So, we put dreams on hold, set true love aside, and build lives that will impress others even if they keep us up at night.

Periodically, it becomes trendy to “break free” or “put one’s own oxygen mask on first”, but I think most of us quietly believe that virtue lies in the opposite direction.

One of the effects of viewing life like this is that we end up treating ourselves as if we don’t really matter. We sacrifice health, sleep and peace of mind at the alter of others’ opinions; use our free time to check off more boxes (read this, watch that, frame an opinion, finish a chore) rather than to do what we really want (cook a hearty meal or spend a quiet evening with a friend).

This year, try whittling down the resolutions to one: Make more room for yourself.

An easy way to do this is to treat yourself as you would treat someone in your circle who “matters”. This can have interesting side-effects. It can help one eat better, make time for exercise, make time for family, friends and activities you enjoy. It also has the effect of making others treat you better.

I have been practising this since January 2025, and I feel the difference in every close relationship. Making more room for myself has brought an ease and lightness to me that helps others communicate with me better. I have been more productive and content, more confident and less anxious.

Many of the resolutions I struggled with fit far more easily into my life.

Watch out for relapses. Many of us have contributed to or actively built systems in which we swoop in to rescue others. Work to replace such patterns with healthier ones. Assign chores, ask for help, explain when you will and will not be available. Most people are happy to be accountable for their fair share (and those who don’t really do need to learn).

For those confused about how this is different from selfishness, I offer a simple thumb rule: Those who put themselves first, help others next.

This year: Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be honest about what you want.

Trust yourself. These are foundational elements in any relationship. Don’t put the one with yourself last any more.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in. The views expressed are personal)