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In love with your partner's former version? Why your relationship needs update
To keep your relationship up-to-date, you need to talk about your deepest dreams and desires with your partner and check if you need to know more about them.
People change, evolve and grow with time and just like an individual, a relationship in order to survive needs to be updated with time too. What you believe about the person when you started dating them may no longer exist and if you do not make efforts to continuously be in touch with the evolving needs, desires and goals of your partner, you may not be in love with their current version, but their former one. To keep your relationship up to date, you need to talk about your deepest dreams and desires with your partner and check with them if you need to know more about them. (Also read: How to be an ally to your partner: Expert shares tips)
What changes in a relationship
"Relationships continue to thrive when you communicate about the new agreements, desires and hopes for each person as well as the relationship. As you grow, evolve, and heal, the things you crave and prioritise will start to shift. If you keep operating in the relationship based off of former versions of each other, you are bound to miss the mark and feel disconnected," says Vienna Pharaon, a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in NYC in her recent Instagram post.
How to update your relationship
Pharaon says relationships need updates just like a new operating system for your phone, except you can’t just click a button and fix the bugs.
"Relationships do the best when we check in with each other regularly enough to see what their priorities are now, what their desires are now, what are their current dreams and fears are, what they’re wanting to try that’s new," says the therapist.
Living in the past or expecting that the relationship will stay as it was many years back is a mistake many of us make.
"When we operate in the relationship based on when first met one another, or the last deep conversation we had three years ago, or the beliefs you just happen to hold about that other person, it’s easy to miss the mark," says the relationship expert.
It is important to make conversations to remain connected wth each other and grow together.
"As we grow and evolve, our desires, wishes, goals, and beyond shift. We change. What we prioritize, what matters to us, what we believe, it all starts to move. And if you don’t have conversations with each other it’s so easy for disappointment and disconnection to seep in as you keep missing the mark with one another," says Vienna Pharaon.
"You will grow. And they will grow. What once worked for your relationship might need an update. Can you lean into that? Too often we look at this from a fear based place (are we growing apart from one another??? And so we avoid) instead of seeing it as an opportunity to co-create and co-evolve together," she added.
Pharaon asks one to reflect on these questions:
What is a current goal you have for yourself?
What are you wanting to explore in our relationship together?
What’s something new you’ve wanted to try for yourself?
What’s a topic you are learning about or wanting to learn about?
Is there something you wish I took more interest in that’s important to you?
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