Ever since therapy speak has become mainstream, people have been increasingly using specific terms to define specific relationships. One such term is trauma bonding, which is a strong, unhealthy emotional attachment that develops between an abused person and their abuser.
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Taking to Instagram on August 20, therapist Jeff Guenther shared how to identify trauma bond, listing nine questions to ask about a relationship that will help one be sure.
“We’re going to talk about what a real, actual trauma bond looks like and figure out if maybe you’re in one. I will tell you what it feels like, and then we’ll go through a little checklist together,” he stated.
“So, if you want to get down to like the emotional experience of it all, a trauma bond feels like you desperately want to be in the relationship even though you can’t really explain why. And the pain and intensity that you’re probably mistaking for love is kind of what’s holding it all together.”
Questions to help check if you are in a trauma-bonded relationship
Jeffrey shared the following questions to help one figure out if they are in a trauma-bonded relationship, noting that if they are, they are likely to answer “yes” to all of them.
- Do you keep deciding to leave and then find yourself pulled back in and have a really hard time explaining why?
- Do you defend them to your friends, and have you started to bend the truth a bit, or just like straight up lie to make the relationship easier to defend?
- When a friend expresses concern, do you feel attacked or misunderstood? Like, their concern feels more like betrayal instead of care?
- Do you tend to want them most when they’re unavailable?
- Does your desire start to kind of fade when they’re giving you lots of attention?
- Are you really loyal to someone who’s not as consistently loyal to you? And bonus points if you’re like, “Do you see how good a person I am because of how loyal I am to you?”
- Have you accepted explanations you knew just didn't make sense, sometimes almost in real time, because accepting them felt easier than confronting what was actually happening?
- When you do actually leave, does it feel less like heartbreak and more like withdrawal, like you physically feel agitated and restless, and it's almost unbearable?
- Are you the only person who truly understands them, and would they fall apart without you?
What to do if you are in a trauma bond?
{{/usCountry}}Jeffrey shared the following questions to help one figure out if they are in a trauma-bonded relationship, noting that if they are, they are likely to answer “yes” to all of them.
- Do you keep deciding to leave and then find yourself pulled back in and have a really hard time explaining why?
- Do you defend them to your friends, and have you started to bend the truth a bit, or just like straight up lie to make the relationship easier to defend?
- When a friend expresses concern, do you feel attacked or misunderstood? Like, their concern feels more like betrayal instead of care?
- Do you tend to want them most when they’re unavailable?
- Does your desire start to kind of fade when they’re giving you lots of attention?
- Are you really loyal to someone who’s not as consistently loyal to you? And bonus points if you’re like, “Do you see how good a person I am because of how loyal I am to you?”
- Have you accepted explanations you knew just didn't make sense, sometimes almost in real time, because accepting them felt easier than confronting what was actually happening?
- When you do actually leave, does it feel less like heartbreak and more like withdrawal, like you physically feel agitated and restless, and it's almost unbearable?
- Are you the only person who truly understands them, and would they fall apart without you?
What to do if you are in a trauma bond?
{{/usCountry}}“If it turns out you’re in a trauma bond, I want you to be really compassionate with yourself,” shared Jeff. “Trauma bonds will f**k you up in the head and make you act in ways that are just like not in alignment with who you really are. It can feel absolutely crazy-making.”
Jeff pointed out that answering the questions that he shared is just a test to run at home and not a diagnosis. If someone feels that they are in a trauma bond, the best thing for them to do is to go talk to a therapist.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
Jeff Guenther is a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, Oregon. He has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy from the University of Southern California and a bachelor's degree in child and family development from San Diego State University.
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