Saying goodbye: What I learnt when my grandparents passed away

Losing both my grandparents in a space of one year taught me the importance of going back to where they were, even though i would be late for their funerals.

One morning in May 2019 while I was in office, I received a call from my mother informing me that dadi (my dad’s mother), had passed away.

My grandfather holding me when i was a baby.

It wasn’t a shock, far from it actually- It was a relief. My grandmother, who’s aloo puri i had grown up on, had been bed ridden for several years. It all started with an attack of facial paralysis, and things only went downhill from there. She had arthritis, suffered weight loss and was in pain- It eventually reached a stage when she was not able to move out of the house. Just to get her inside a car if we were going out would take a good five minutes. Towards the end she had basically been reduced to a skeletal frame.

When visiting her during my trips to Kolkata, i would just sit beside her. Many times that would involve just trying to make conversation with a person who had fallen into a depressed state due to the prolonged medical issues she was facing. The last few times i visited her she would just be sitting there on the bed, not wanting to talk.

Till that day, when she passed away, i was of the opinion that when someone close to you passes away, the main reason to go and visit them would be to attend the funeral. To basically see them one last time before they turn to ashes or are buried.

With my grandmother as a baby.

But the nature of life is such that many times it teaches us something new.

I was based in Delhi, and would have had to travel to Calcutta to attend the funeral.

However, my parents told me that on the same day around 4 pm, her body had already been taken to the electric crematorium. Now a question popped in my mind - was there any point of going back to Calcutta now that the cremation had taken place? My dadi, Paramjit Bhandari (everyone called her Guddi), was no longer there. What was the point of going back to Calcutta?

My parents insisted that I had to come, so i did, although I was still a bit unsure about why was i going.

However, when I went there and met my parents and my uncle (dad’s younger brother), aunt (his wife) and cousin (his son) who used to stay in the same building as my grandmother and grandfather, i slowly began to realise the significance of the visit.

My grandmother in her youth.

If you have never experienced someone’s death in your family or friends circle or been involved in the post-funeral activities, you will not know the importance of being present there.

The reality about some of us millenials is that we might know all the stats and figures about global warming, why climate change is bad and which is the latest Netflix series but we are quite clueless about aspects like these.

When i met my uncle, he started explaining to me that I would be going along with him for some of the activities which needed to be done. The bulk of the work, of course, had already been started by him and was being managed by him. My father at that time was unwell.

Frankly speaking, the way things were going, my uncle would have managed everything on his own and along with my aunt and my brother. But I'm thankful to him that he involved me in the process.

First off we had to give an obituary ad in the paper. The advertisement space needs to be booked preferably two days in advance- and you need to phrase exactly what needs to be written along with giving a photo and important documents such as the death certificate. The ad is not given just to inform people of the death but also to inform when the prayer meet will be held. The remembrance meet in our case (since we’re Sikhs) takes place in the Gurdwara.

Post my grandmother’s electrical cremation, the ashes had been kept in an urn. On the day we were to immerse the ashes, we washed them in a small bucket full of milk, and then put them back in the urn which was covered with a red cloth.

Then we went to the Hooghly river for the immersion and hired a boat for Rs 1000 (negotiable). The boatman provides you life jackets and then we let go of the ashes towards the middle of the river.

This is what we did, others may have a different practice.

Then comes the akhand path which is held at the Gurdwara. The akhand path goes on for 48 hours after which the closing prayer meet takes place for which people are invited through the newspaper ads.

Eight months later, my grandfather, Rajbir Singh, passed away. Aged 90, he had been born in 1930 in Sialkot (then undivided India), Pakistan. He was in the Indian National Hockey team, and got two job offers at the same time due to hockey- one from Punjab Police and the other from Calcutta Customs. He finally chose Customs since overall it was a better career decision. However, he always said that if he had chosen Punjab Police, he would have definitely been part of the Olympic Hockey Team.

My grandfather is top extreme left- part of the winning Bengal team in the 1952 nationals.

(Left to Right) Gurbux Singh (member of the India national hockey team that won the Gold Medal at the 1964 Summer Olympics, Tokyo), Bir Bahadur Chetri former Olympian goalkeeper, my grandfather Rajbir Singh and Leslie Cladius (member of the Indian hockey team that won the Olympic Gold in 1948, 1952 and 1956 and silver in 1960.)

(Left to Right) Uncle, my grandfather, my father and my mother. My grandfather loved his whisky.

With my grandfather during one of my birthday parties in Kolkata.

This time, I knew the entire post funeral process which had to be followed and wasn’t as clueless as I was the last time. It was also when I got to spend more time with my uncle for a change.

But with the passing away of my grandparents, it truly was the end of an era. It was my grandfather with whom i used to have several discussions on partition, hockey and much more. While visiting my grandparents at their home in Kolkata, i would first spend some time with my grandmother, and then lie down beside my grandfather in his room normally during the afternoons. I would ask him about pre-partition India and he would tell me about how he and his family had to leave everything behind in Pakistan and travel to India. At around 3 pm, he would put on this black colour radio which he had, and we would listen to the news together.

Another thing i realised at the prayer meet, was that a partial reality of today’s world is that the one time you meet the family as a whole is during marriages and funerals. Now whether that is because the times have changed, life has become more fast paced or because the nature of jobs and people are very different now is something i leave to you to decide.

The author tweets at @shadowwarior and can be reached at kabir.bhandari@htdigital.in and Instagram.com/kabirsinghbhandari

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