“It’s not because of bad scores in JEE Mains. I was expecting worse. It’s because I’ve started hating myself to the extent that I want to kill myself,” wrote 17-year-old Kriti Tripathi in a suicide note before jumping to her death from a five-storey building in Kota on April 28.
Kriti scored 144 marks in the JEE Mains 2016 results declared on April 27, which was 44 marks higher than the 100-mark cut-off so her suicide set off speculation about the cause.
In the five-page emotional suicide note addressed to a friend and family, which is in exclusive possession of Hindustan Times, Kriti said, “I’m sorry. All the noise in my head and the hatred in my heart, hatred for myself, is maddening.”
“Most people around me will say that I would never kill myself and that I had no reason. They don’t know what’s going on inside me.”
The letter reveals that she planned to commit suicide on April 22 but the friend prevented it.
She said no one in the world knew her story. “Even all the people I know combined don’t know the whole of my life story. I have a habit of keeping things to myself,” she scribbled in a neat hand.
In the note, the girl has urged the government of India and human resource development (HRD) ministry to shut coaching institutes as soon as possible. “They suck,” she wrote.
Kriti was strong and helped others come out of depression when they felt suicidal, the letter indicates. “Some might even say that she was so strong that we would never have imagined that she would do something like this… This is because I helped many come out of their depression and make a comeback. Funny, I couldn’t do that to myself,” she wrote.
The girl from Ghaziabad, who shifted to Kota two years ago, lived with her parents at an apartment the family rented in Indira Vihar area.
She felt she wasn’t made for science. “You manipulated me as a kid to like science… I took science to make you happy,” she wrote addressing her mother. “I had interest in astrophysics and quantum physics and would have done a BSc… I still love writing, english, history (sic)… and they are capable of exciting me in the darkest times…”
Warning her mother to not do “the manipulative stuff” with her younger sister, who is in class 11, she wrote, “She deserves to be allowed to explore and chose among fields.” Kriti also advised her sister to do what she loved. “…only what you love brings happiness and that is the only thing you can excel in…”
Addressing her father, whom she calls “the best”, Kriti wrote, “All the time spent with you is good memory and your company, cherished… I am sorry to leave you alone.” She cautioned him against taking up alcohol – “I have heard people take to alcohol in grief. I don’t want anyone to do that, especially dad.”