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Guest column | The subtle art of forgiving oneself
I always remind myself that each person is at a different place in their journey, implying that we all are bound to make mistakes; but as long as one is attempting to improve and/or rectify their mistakes, they deserve forgiveness
“One must usher a change at family level, to be able to one day see it reflected on societal level.” These profound words of a colleague got me thinking that charity begins at home, and home and family begin with oneself. Thus, in the words of BR Ambedkar, “Cultivation of the mind should be the ultimate aim of human existence.”
As I embark on this journey of cultivating the mind, I find that my mistakes and shortcomings continue to plague me. So, before starting on the road to growth, I first need to accept and forgive myself. Only after I bestow this divine gift on myself, can I think of extending it to others. It is no mean task, but I have chalked out a plan of action.
First, when I am consumed by guilt and self-loathing, I talk to myself, as I would to a friend in a similar situation. We are usually more supportive to others than we are ourselves. Self-talk is an important component of our neuro-linguistic programming, a field aimed at higher well-being and self-actualisation. So, I decide not to be harsh on myself, and, smile wide whenever I look in the mirror.
Secondly, meditation, even if done infrequently (I call it baby steps that can hopefully accumulate into full-fledged strides) reap benefits. There are multiple methods. I take up the simplest one: sitting in a relaxed situation with my eyes closed and allowing thoughts to flit through my mind. When we look at the sunset, or a gushing river, we never say the sunset should have been redder or less red, and, we never criticise the flow of river water, then why should we be judgmental of our thoughts? I let my thoughts come and go, as they please.
As my father says, “The show must go on.” There will be steps backwards, and steps forward, but continuously striving to move ahead is always desirable, despite the obstacles and occasional dead ends. Remember, the words of Canadian writer Robin Sharma, “We are all here for some special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future”. Our past may keep calling, but our hopes must point ahead.
Fourthly, try, try, and try to understand the reasons for people’s actions. It helps us clearly realise other people’s intentions, thereby, reducing the chances of hurt, conflict and/or upset. Strained relationships and troubled situations are usually an outcome of misunderstandings and communication gap. So, if the fine strings of connection with others seem tensed, loosen them up through constructive dialogue. Ease them through kindness, handshakes, and co-operation.
I always remind myself that each person is at a different place in their journey, implying that we all are bound to make mistakes. But as long as one is attempting to improve and/or rectify their mistakes, they deserve forgiveness. Wouldn’t I want the same for myself? It’s only fair then, that I am similarly gracious to others!
All in all, forgiveness is indeed divine, while also being difficult. Once in a while it is important to ‘forgive but not forget’. And, as is often advised, I’ll choose to forgive, for my own mental peace. For, it is through inner peace that I’ll be able to accept forgiveness, as and when the rest bestow it upon me.
reemaban@gmail.com
The writer works as an assistant professor (psychology) at Rajiv Gandhi Govt College in Saha (Ambala)
