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Bond’s getting the shakes with his vodka martini

James Bond’s alcohol consumption puts him at high risk of cirrhosis, liver disease, tremors and impotence: British Medical Journal

columns Updated: Dec 21, 2013 23:08 IST
James Bond,alcohol consumption,British Medical Journal

James Bond’s alcohol consumption puts him at high risk of cirrhosis, liver disease, tremors and impotence: British Medical Journal

Here are a few scenes from the next Bond movie:

Title: Drink Another Day

Scene 1: A bleary-eyed Bond bundled in furs staggers out of Sheremetyevo airport, to be met by NSA agent Jinx Johnson. “The name is B—Bond…umm…er” says 007. What the devil was his first name, thinks Bond desperately. He’s been having these blackouts, moments when his mind went completely blank. He worries whether booze has softened his brain. Jinx laughs delightedly. “Ha, ha, James, pretending not to recognise me,” she says, punching him playfully. Bond doubles up in pain, clutching his paunch. Ever since his liver started acting up, he has a nagging pain in his gut. He calls M in London. “It’s bloody cold here,” complains Bond bitterly.

Scene II: “A splinter group of SPECTRE, called SPECTRE Taliban,” says General Gogol, “is all set to launch a nuclear warhead from Chechnya. We could arrange an aircraft to fly you out and airdrop you near the place.” Bond’s stomach gives a lurch. “No airdrops,” he protests, “all this running about has been terribly hard on my knees.” “Don’t worry, General,” says Jinx, “I’m sure James would prefer his Aston Martin, equipped with the usual missiles and machine guns.” Bond gulps, remembering the panic attack he had the last time he was in a fast car. They had given him a speeding ticket. He still had nightmares about it. “I would prefer to take the train,” he says.

Scene III: Gogol, Bond and Jinx are sitting at a bar near the railway station. “A vodka martini coming up, sir, shaken not stirred,” says the bartender. “I’ll have a diet Coke, thank you,” says Bond. General Gogol bursts out laughing. “Ah, this is your famous British sense of humour, eh?” he says. “So, what have you been doing?” asks Jinx. “Oh, I was in rehab for a year and I’ve joined Alcoholics Anonymous,” says Bond, picking up the Diet Coke with a shaking hand.

Scene IV: “The missile is in that hut,” points Jinx. James struggles to speak, as the climb up the hill has left him wheezing. “Bloody cigarettes,” he gasps. They hide behind a shed. “Shhh, what was that noise,” asks Jinx. “Oh, that was my stomach rumbling. Gas, you know,” says 007. He suddenly leaps up and starts shooting. “James, there’s nobody there,” cries Jinx. Bond stops shamefacedly, realising his hallucinations had started again.

Scene V: James is sweating, desperately trying to remember whether it was the red wire or the green one he had to cut to dismantle the nuclear device. He shuts his eyes and cuts a wire. Nothing happens and the clock counts down to zero. “Thank god I have my diapers on,” says Bond. Still nothing happens. The SPECTRE (Taliban) boss rushes in, takes one look at the nuclear device, at its prominent “Made in Pakistan” label and slaps his hand on his forehead, “Heck, I should have known it wouldn’t work,” he says, before tripping over a wire, striking his head against the missile and passing out.

Final scene: “My hero,” says Jinx, holding out her arms invitingly to Bond. Bond smiles, showing his tobacco-stained teeth. He farts and advances towards her, stopping only to pop a Viagra.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
Views expressed by the author are personal

First Published: Dec 21, 2013 23:06 IST