Even pets get Xmas gifts

According to a recent survey, 46 per cent pets get Christmas stockings, writes Dr Saumya Balsari.

The festive season is a time for giving, so what do pets in this country receive for the love and loyalty they give? Well, according to a recent survey I read somewhere, 46 per cent get Christmas stockings. Do pets have a wish list for Santa? I suspect they do. It must go something like this: Dear Santa, I’ve been nice, not naughty this year, although I still think the trapped mouse deserved to be eaten. Oh, and I did pounce on that baby bird, but I’ve been good, not greedy. Could I have an Ipod, digital photo printer and plasma screen television? I like Monopoly and Cluedo, and Robbie Williams plays Scrabble, and so does Kylie Minogue, so could I have that too? Love Kittykins. P.S. Sorry I drank up the milk they put out for you last year.

What do owners put in their pets’ stockings? It may sound petty, but I decided to investigate and went down to the local pet and garden centre. The largest crowd was not by the poinsettias, nor at the Christmas baubles. There were no queues of adults outside Santa’s Grotto, and Santa himself was enjoying a quiet smoke like a child when I peeped in. There is no point in keeping up the suspense and pretence – you’ve already guessed that people were snatching pet presents off the racks as if at a three for two Wonderbra sale. No, they weren’t dear little grannies pottering about for a ‘wee little toy’ for Mabel, the hamster, either. The entire British population had turned out in might and in sight, determined to buy something for Floppy, Rufus, Coco or Giggles. (Did I forget Paddy?) I drew closer (if that was possible) to take a better look. Most gift items in sight were labelled ‘Deluxe’ or ‘Luxury’. Don’t you believe me? Then how do you explain the deluxe batty bird toy for kitty? Or the new, improved turbo mouse – with batteries? Oh, and there was a mouse covered with Scottish plaid. The manufacturers must know it would sell well.

How about a frostie softie toy, a ball in the shape of a rotund Santa or a snowman? And oh, how pets love chocolate! There are ‘Good Boy Milk Chocolate Drops’. The feminist in me revolts - presumably there is also a ‘Good Girl’ version? Otherwise I shall take it up with the Consumers’ Rights Watchdog, whatever gender it may be. The wrapped chocolates are labelled in foreign languages, just so our pets feel well-educated. They can read the labels, of course.

Schokodrops all the way from Germany, and orange-flavoured, too. Pastilles pour chiens from France. Don’t forget to buy your advent calendar for a cat on your way out. The only problem is, that just when you think you and kitty are going to sit companionably side by side to peer into the calendar flap, kitty has decided to make a dash out of her cat flap into the garden. This leaves you alone, fondly gazing into a cat calendar. Doggie will get a Christmas cracker in the shape of a bone. That should send him over the moon, and not just the cow. I haven’t even started with the Christmas treats for rabbits, chinchillas, hamsters and guinea pigs. And just what can one give a goldfish that has it all?

‘Pets love Christmas too’ says a sign in the aisle. Yes, and a pet that is petted every day keeps the vet away.

(Saumya Balsari is the author of the comic novel 'The Cambridge Curry Club', and wrote a play for Kali Theatre Company's Futures last year. She has worked as a freelance journalist in London, and is currently writing a second novel.)