Tongue firmly in cheek

HT takes a look at how the World Cup unfolded ...

Best matches

(Knock-out stage)

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Germany 0, Italy 2: Totally compelling and enthralling —and instead of getting cagier in extra time the, semi-final got sweatier and more intense. The Azzurri musketeers, led by their brilliant captain-sentinel Fabio Cannavaro in defence and the unassuming Andrea Pirlo, took the game to the Germans and enchanted one and all on their way to a rampaging 2-0 victory.

(Group stage)

Argentina 2, Ivory Coast 1: The Elephants matched the Argentine warriors step for step in this match and although Argentina, however imperious, raced to a 2-0 lead, thanks to goals by diminutive Javier Saviola and arch predator Hernan Crespo, the Ivory Coast warriors were never out of the contest. They attacked the Argentine citadel relentlessly and when Didier Drogba even got a late goal, the final minutes grew even more invigorating.

Worst match

England versus the world: Whenever England played, the action got so tedious that it wasn't difficult to imagine people being repulsed by the football. The world watched with awe how the English, managed by the prosaic and dour Sven Goran Eriksson, who is thankfully no longer the manager of the much-vaunted 'three-lions', managed to make a mockery out of their campaign. And even to imagine that they were dreaming of winning the World Cup. Well, for once, the World would have concurred with Dennis Leary: when England went out against Portgual he remarked, 'good riddance to bad rubbish'!

Best players

Fabio Cannavaro: Short in height, large in stature, La Capitan has been peerless, obstinate and absolutely mesmerising in this tournament. Watching every step his opponents have taken and each move they have made with his discerning eye and then acting on it with tremendous alacrity, Cannavaro has been the engine that has driven the Azzurri onwards. His will and gumption has illuminated the tournament and under his captaincy, the Italians have composed an ode to joy on German soil.

Zinedine Zidane: He can be a layman as well as a magician. In Germany, he’s been both, almost invisible in the group stages, only to weave his sorcery in the knockout stages with such panache and passion that it has reincarnated the Les Miserables to Les Extraordinaire. If France are dreaming of relive the Jour de Gloire of ’98, then it is largely on the back of one man. He is undoubtedly the chosen one, someone who’s played with the cadence of a ballet dancer, his every thought working in amazing synchronicity with those feet “with silk gloves”. After the final he’ll bid adieu and the world’s heart will cry in unison: Merci, Zizou, the memory remains.

Least favourite

Peter Crouch: If an England fan says ouch, then the inevitable miss would be by Peter Crouch. The new English Wunderkind has never ceased to amaze, however, in a different way from what he was hoping to. His performances have been ludicrous. He’s looked lost, gormless, inept and in total contrast to Cannavaro. Large in height, small in stature.

Pauleta: Where was he, that member of Portugal’s golden generation? Although he scored one goal, he was virtually non existent in this World Cup. His profligacy in front of the goal and forlorn looks made more news.

Flattered to deceive

Ronaldinho: Little Ronaldo's buck-tooth was suppose to taste the golden ball, his hands were supposed to lift the World Cup, his feet were meant to wear the golden boot. Alas, it was not meant to be. Ronaldinho, billed by zillions as the star of Germany, (including this paper), fizzled out without a trace. Maybe it was his lack of adaptability as he failed to make his indelible mark in a deeper role, or maybe the price of burning the brightest in the firmament earlier with Barcelona ---he was instrumental in Barca lifting the Champions League and La Liga --- that saw him sink without a trace. The man with the steel girders for nerves couldn't live up to his billing.

The cheats

Top tournament for strong individual cheats: and even Cristiano was overshadowed by Mauro Camoranesi's devotion to diving and cheating — his red card for Juventus against Arsenal last season was the rule not the exception. Best, most elegant World Cup cheat, though? Thierry Henry. Embarrassing.

Best goalS (The top five)

1) Joe Cole against Sweden if he meant it...

2) Maxi Rodriguez for his twist, spin and bash for Argentina against Mexico. As pure a 25-yard knockout winner as you could hope to see.

3) The 24-pass move that led to Cambiasso's goal against Serbia & Montenegro. Like a slightly too perfect computer-game goal.

4) Beckham’s bent free kick against Ecuador.

5) Fabio Grosso scoring Italy's first versus Germany. A virtuoso finish and one of the tournament's most dramatic moments.

Best coaches

Ricardo La Volpe, Mexico. Marcello Lippi for the performance, Otto Pfister for style, but La Volpe for the attitude. Told reporters: “Get out of my face! You know nothing. Don't break my balls, you fucking idiots!” Spent most of his time eating doughnuts under a roped-off parasol. Before the event, resigned three times on air during heated radio interviews, only to deny doing so the next day. “The media are mental,” says La Volpe. “They are nothing.”

Worst coach

Who else but Sven Goran Eriksson? Five years of life-sapping tactical intransigence.

Saddest tout

The morning after England and Brazil went out: “It sucks”, moaned one local. “English and Brazilians spend money, goddamn Italians and French don't.”