Can you really be friends with a former flame? With Love by Simran Mangharam

Recovering from a break-up means picking up the pieces well. Who knows? They might make you both whole in new ways.

In any romantic relationship, the intensity of emotion is high. What happens to these emotions when the relationship ends? In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, it’s common to feel rage, self-pity, remorse. Or desperate hope that you might get back together.

Depending on where you are on this spectrum, you either want to strictly avoid bumping into the ex or you want to keep bumping into them. Once the healing begins, though, and you know for sure that the relationship is over, there’s the question of whether you can be friends.

A 30-year-old I am currently coaching is good friends with an ex. They were in a relationship for eight years. Their parents were and continue to be friends as well. They went to school together and, she says, were friends before they developed romantic feelings for each other.

She says it took her almost two years to get over the pain of the breakup. In those two years they only wished each other on birthdays. Then they began talking on the phone again, and meeting once in a while. Soon, the initial awkwardness wore off and they were comfortable as friends again.

Seven years after the break-up she is also friends with his girlfriend. “Many of my friends and family find this strange,” she says. But in this case, the two have been friends longer than they were a couple. “I can’t turn off the affection I feel. He’s been a big part of my life,” she says.

Talking to her, I thought of a friend of mine whose ex-boyfriend married one of her best friends. The two met through my friend, a few years after her own break-up with the ex. She was married by then, and happy. And it was she who set them up, a detail that quite surprised me. My friend had been with the man for five years; this wasn’t a case of thinking, “Oh they’re a better fit”, after a couple of dates. But, she says, she cares deeply for both these people and sincerely believes they will be happy together. The two couples now vacation together too.

There’s a client I once coached who had a completely different take on the whole affair. He believes in “clean breaks”, he told me. It was almost like a rule he had for himself. He would never be friends with an ex. He believed it would be too complicated. Even if the exes were over it, their partners would likely not be.

For him it was also important to have his current partner feel secure, by not having an ex of his constantly hanging around. This seems like a mature choice to me.

In my opinion, the decision to be or not to be friends with an ex should be shaped by three factors: 1) There should not be any powerful residual feelings, positive or negative. 2) The proximity should not trigger hopes of a reunion. 3) Your current partner should be on board. (As much as I am a champion of individual choice within any relationship, this kind of disagreement can be truly damaging to an otherwise healthy bond.)

There is no right or wrong answer, of course. As with most things love-related or love-adjacent, it’s about being honest with yourself and finding what works best for you.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)