Letting off steam is an important part of any deep relationship. It helps people bond, builds empathy, and allows the individual concerned to restore equilibrium as pent-up emotion is released and acknowledged.
Ashes by Edvard Munch; 1894 - 95. Don’t turn a simple emotional offloading into an afternoon of despair. Venting, done right, can leave everyone feeling better. (Wikimedia)
When a partner vents, it is usually a sign of a healthy relationship. By opening themselves up, they are indicating that they feel safe and loved. Even in the healthiest relationships, though, it is not always clear what the person being vented to, is supposed to do. So here are five tips I have found to be most effective for my clients.
First and most important: Understand your role. As the person being vented to, it is easy to assume that the loved one is looking for discussion, exploration, questions and problem-solving. They are not. They simply need you to listen. Do this without interrupting and they will feel heard and acknowledged and likely move on.
People often complain to me that their partner vents “too often”. This can be a factor of them not feeling heard to begin with. Do less; say less. Don’t try to solve the problem. Just be present.
My second tip: Pay attention. What a partner vents about, and how they do it, can offer great insight into their emotional state. When we interrupt, we make it about a single event, rather than listening and learning more about what’s really going on. Challenges at work, issues with a parent’s health or an obstinate child, lack of downtime or alone time are certainly problems in themselves. But listen carefully and one may learn that the person you love is feeling overwhelmed about something they thought (and you assumed) they could handle by themselves.
The third tip is a cautionary note: Avoid treating this as an opportunity to do some venting of your own. Let them have their moment. Pick yours, ideally on a different day.
Turning one person’s need to vent into some sort of victimhood contest is the surest way to transform what felt like a safe space into one of judgement. Don’t be the kind of partner who silently asks: Why can’t you do better (which is particularly cruel when a person is already doing all they can).
Tip four: Don’t make the rant about you. So many venting sessions turn into bitter fights because the person who should have been listening feels the urge, instead, to explain. My husband and I have both made this mistake, and it is one we have worked to correct.
Between responsibilities such as work, children, the home and in-laws, for instance, I love having guests over. My husband enjoys having people over, but also likes us to have a few evenings to ourselves. Years ago, I remember him venting about how little time we got together. I immediately went into explanation mode. It didn’t end well. We both felt judged; we both felt mildly rejected in the moment.
These are what are called paper cuts in a relationship. They don’t do great harm in themselves, but they add up, and they can make a loved one feel wary, guarded and alone.
Eventually, my husband and I sat down and talked about how much we crave time together, and agreed on a balance that would allow us more date nights. It was a simple question of hearing what he had to say, and remembering that we are on the same team. We are the team.
My final tip is for the person venting. It helps to clarify at the outset that this is not a problem one needs help with. It helps to simply say: “I need to vent…”. These words work like magic. They tell the other person that the next few minutes might be a bit rough, but it’s just the need to get something off one’s chest, and that’s it.
It can simply end there. Change, deep discussion and problem-solving can come later.
For the moment, the emotional debris has been cleared away. Think of it as a good waste-management plan. Except, in this case, try not to reuse and recycle.
(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)
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