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Humour by Rehana Munir: Five subjects to avoid in casual conversation
Dullness lurks around every corner, so make sure to avoid these danger zones when it comes to social interactions
As the world spins like an out-of-control top, we reach for the closest coping mechanisms. Some seek art; some, therapy. Some invoke the supernatural while others look for nirvana in OTT heaven. Mostly, we turn to each other. But here’s the thing about social interactions. In our desperate need to stay sane and positive, conversation is the casualty. We’re so afraid of transmitting heaviness, we’re deflating each other with pinpricks of lightness and logistics. Here are five danger zones to avoid if you’re looking to be scintillating company.
Sneakers
Ok, I know there’s some kind of cultish following around this fad, but for the love of Kolhapuris, spare me! They’re *just* shoes. I’m learning to avoid commenting on neon embellishments on blinged-out footwear in an attempt to prevent my zealot companions from taking off like Usain Bolt in a Puma commercial. In my school years, sneakers lacked hype, and everyone wore some version. Now, opposite that same school stands a sneaker showroom where an endless line of overwrought shoes keeps rotating on a conveyor belt. The very sight triggers a bout of “boredigo” in me, the kind of vertigo that’s brought on by any dreary, repetitive movement. Nothing a quick trip to the mochi can’t cure.
Fitness and well-being
When it comes to health and wellness, we’ve managed to complicate things beyond reason. If it isn’t intermittent fasting or keto diets, it’s some kind of revival of squats or bench presses with a cutely contemporary twist, all dignified by the purifying haze of a scented candle. Not that these activities are not useful; it’s just that they’re a serious buzzkill in any setting other than a nutritionist’s clinic, gym or healer’s boudoir. From holding forth on food groups to weighing out portions, and from counting steps to comparing angles in yoga positions, the list of unbearably dull fitness-related discussions is as long as a day at a mindfulness retreat. Deep-fried foods might be dangerous; air-fried chats are lethal.
Financial planning
People with good money sense have their uses. They are, however, not the best people to find yourself stuck with at an intimate brunch, for instance. They will insist on giving you advice about your investment portfolio, an imaginary entity you decide to keep alive just to save face in these situations. They will give you tips about real estate you will never use. They will rattle off meaningless percentages with the swiftness of a waiter reciting an Udupi menu. There’s one way to stop it all. Tell them you keep all your money in your savings account, where you can see it. Watch as their face crumples under the weight of fear and revulsion. Shine like a freshly minted coin as they slink away to their next unsuspecting target.
Conspiracy theories
From Hollywood break-ups to floor tests in the Legislative Assembly, it’s a free-for-all when it comes to news bombs. Everyone has their own take on who snuck into whose bedroom, or who moved whose corporate cheese. Fanciful opinions, however, make for excruciating chatter. Two years ago, when we were all trying to wrap our heads around the pandemic, I found myself at a hillside home where the dinner host enlightened me about the true origins of Covid: the Illuminati—a secret sect comprising the Queen, Bill Gates and other powerful personalities. It was a dark and stormy night, like Snoopy was in the habit of writing about, and I wish I’d stayed in. The company of fictional dogs is so much more pleasurable than that of humans with runaway imaginations.
Vacations
Everybody loves going on vacations; no one really wants a blow-by-blow account of what others did on theirs. There’s already Instagram for all those wind-blown pictures of you holding martini glasses in-between strolling down emphatically empty cobbled streets. Does that leave us with any need to belabour the point IRL? You had a great time in Tuscany or Vegas or the Maldives, a fact that has been acknowledged by all those digital likes and views, both genuine and passive-aggressive. So, just hand me the keychain you lazily got me from the airport, one that I will never use nor lose, and let’s instead talk about how ridiculous it is to obsess about sneakers, yes?!
Follow @rehana_munir on Twitter and Instagram
From HT Brunch, July 9, 2022
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