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It’s over: Snuffing out the flames of online dating
Has online dating peaked? People are ditching the apps, going old-school, and aiming for IRL connections. Here’s how the swipe failed a whole generation
The last time Vinith Krishnan, a 38-year-old investment banker in Bengaluru, matched with a woman on Bumble, was in June 2023. By the time he realised she’d hit him up only for a job reference, a whole month and five dates had gone by. “Imagine how I felt. It’s okay to want a job reference, but why string me along for five dates to do that? I ended up feeling like a loser. Things like this didn’t happen when we met people at parties or through friends,” says Krishnan. He’s currently single but unwilling to get back on a dating app anytime soon.
Krishnan had a bad experience, but there are many others who are going off dating apps too -- out of something called “dating app fatigue” or “dating app burnout”. It’s the point at which individuals signing up on these platforms are exhausted from being stuck in the vicious loop of constantly meeting new people with whom they fail to build a genuine connection and going back to the app, only to repeat the process days or weeks later.
It’s affected enough people that a whole generation is starting to fall out of love with online dating. A survey in the US by Forbes Health in July reported that 78% of respondents, across generations, sometimes felt “emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted” by dating apps. About 40% of users complained that they couldn’t form genuine connections. Others felt let down or outright rejected.
Additionally, app-based services have started to withhold their best features for paying customers, leaving others out in the cold. On Hinge, most users are not shown matches suited to them unless they’re high-tier members. Other services limit how many people a non-paying user can chat with. Even that hasn’t worked. The number of those paying on Tinder fell 4% in the third quarter, compared to the same period a year ago. The company projected another year-over-year decline in paying users in the fourth quarter, as well.
On Bumble, average spending per user has dropped 10%. Kolkata resident Neelanjana M, 27, abandoned the app in June after a few disastrous dates. “It’s the same set of people doing the rounds on the dating apps,” she says. “I wrote a long email to Bumble, telling them how horrible their algorithm is. Everyone is a number, an option, and I don’t want to treat someone like an option, and don’t want to be treated like one either.”
So, Krishnan like so many singles around the world has gone old-school. “I am meeting people through my social circles now,” he says. “It’s encouraged me to not only have a social life again, but also make some genuine connections. I’ve come away with some good friends even if none of them have led to a relationship, and I’ll take that any day,” he says.
Payal Choudhary, a communications specialist based in Delhi, gave up on online matchmaking this year mostly because, for women at least, it’s a case of “quantity over quality”. You can look through profiles all day, all week, and be overwhelmed by choice before you’re actually impressed by a person. “I prefer meeting mutual friends and ex-colleagues,” Choudhary says. “For me, bookstores, book fairs and theatres have been life changing.”
In Los Angeles, young people are signing up for live-comedy shows, at which the comedians try to match audience members based on their vibes. In London, speed-dating events have seen an uptick in participation. In Spain, singles now flock to the supermarket, conspicuously displaying a pineapple in their carts to discreetly indicate to fellow shoppers that they are open to date. In India, heritage walks and music festivals are where young people are meeting. A homegrown dating service, Couplet, is also focusing on the offline aspect of making a connection. It scans bios from users, makes personalised matches and then sets people up on an offline date.
Sourjyo Sinha, 30, a Kolkata-based musician, knows exactly why the swipe is the enemy of romance. He keeps joining dating apps every six months or so and sticking around only for two weeks. “Things become overwhelming after the first week,” he says. “The small talk and non-responses get to you,” Sinha says. Instagram, on the other hand has given him a more reliable community of people with whom he shares interests.
WHAT NOT TO DIVULGE ON A DATE THESE DAYS
1. How much you earn. It sounds tacky. No one wants to know, unless things get serious and you’re talking marriage.
2. Hot takes on feminism. For women, it might seem like a cheap shot. For men, it might seem like a warning. Either way, walking the talk works better.
3. A punchline from a Reel. Everyone’s watching the same content online. Passing off a joke or a one-line review of a Netflix show as your own is bound to backfire.
4. The most traumatic bits of your life. Be vulnerable, but keep in mind that it’s a date, not therapy. And don’t try to top your date’s sob story with one of your own.
5. Your dream travel plans. A shared interest in attending Coachella makes for a good travel buddy, not a romantic partner. Focus on who they are, not how they spend their time and money.
From HT Brunch, November 16, 2024
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