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Spectator by Seema Goswami: No points for prying
In India, nosy questions often pass for “small talk”. From marriage to money, here are topics that should be off-limits
It’s been a while since this incident occurred but I still find myself thinking about it many years later. A colleague of mine (on the newspaper I then worked for) hung up on a phone interview with one of his sources, looking completely shell-shocked. On our asking what happened, he reluctantly shared the story. Apparently, once the interview was over and it was time for small talk, the man had asked my colleague, “Any children?” When my colleague responded in the negative, the comeback was swift: “Any problem?”
None of us could believe that anyone could be so crass as to respond to a virtual stranger like that and yet these kinds of intrusive, bordering-on-rude questions are par for the course in India, where nobody seems to recognise personal boundaries of any kind. Most commonly, relatives will ask young women (and men – though it’s mostly women) why they are not married yet – adding that if they leave it too late, they may not get to snag a husband at all. Those who are married will be asked when they mean to start procreating (“Get a move on if you want two kids; you are not getting any younger, you know”). And so on.
The worst part of these encounters is that the people asking these questions don’t think that they are doing anything wrong. In their minds, this is normal social discourse. And, in any case, they are only asking this stuff because they care.
Well, I am here this week to assure them that they are totally wrong. And that there are some questions that should never be asked in polite company – no matter how close you are to the person you are addressing these queries to. And for the benefit of these Nosey Parkers, here’s a ready reckoner of questions that are best left unasked.
· Fertility issues: I would have thought this was a no-brainer – and I guess it is, in the sense that only people with no brains ask questions like, “When are you going to give us some good news?” or “Isn’t it time Junior became a Big Brother?” The truth is that nobody knows what fertility issues a couple may or may not be facing in their marriage. And frankly, it is nobody else’s business, anyway.
· Questions about medical conditions: The same goes for other medical conditions. So, if you find yourself in a doctor’s waiting room, don’t turn to the person on the right to ask what they are in for. It is not your concern. If someone announces that they have been diagnosed with cancer, don’t follow-up with questions about what sort of cancer it is and what the prognosis might be. If they want to share something with you, they will do so of their own volition.
· Financial matters: Money is a sensitive topic for everyone so it is good manners to tip-toe around the issue as much as possible. Don’t ask anyone what their salary is; what they pay for rent; how much their last holiday cost; or how much their new piece of jewellery set them back.
· Personal appearances: And while you are at it, please cease and desist with all those personal comments. If you must say something, tell people how great they look – not that they have lost/gained too much weight.
