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That Feeling When by Nikhil Taneja: The loneliness of men
Our greatest challenge is to help men learn to be compassionate to themselves. Only then can they be kinder to others
I recently got the opportunity to be on The Seen And The Unseen, a podcast hosted by arguably India’s most revered podcaster, Amit Varma. I was guest #303 on the podcast, whose guest list has included the who’s who of the country’s intelligentsia, including Shashi Tharoor, Harsha Bhogle, Barkha Dutt, Shrayana Bhattacharya, Roshan Abbas and Pratap Bhanu Mehta.
Being invited was a milestone moment for me (and supremely validating, tbh), and keeping in line with the show’s disposition for honest and open communication, and the format of long, meaningful conversations (stretching up to five hours+ sometimes), I was excited to speak about the stories, lived experiences and issues that were important to me, from masculinity, mental health, and empathy, to Bollywood. I ended up speaking for 7.5 hours (!), because Amit created a safe and non-judgmental space for me to express myself, with all my vulnerability.
Given that the podcast turned into the length of an audiobook, I wasn’t expecting much of a reaction to it, but I have been overwhelmed by the hundreds upon hundreds of messages I’ve received from people of all ages, and particularly from men. The last time I ever received this kind of a raw, emotional, heartfelt response from men, for anything I’ve put out on the internet, was when I first spoke about being diagnosed with clinical anxiety over five years ago.
The burdens of masculinity
I write about the podcast not because of its response, but because of how I learn even more about the burdens of masculinity each time I open up about it personally. I spoke, in the conversation, about how our patriarchal society does not have safe spaces for boys to express their emotions and feelings, and how any public display of vulnerability is even shamed or mocked, leading to a world where our boys, feeling isolated and lonely, are forced to become ‘men’, before they are ever given a chance to learn what it means to be human. I also spoke about my own struggles with my masculinity, my relationship with my father, and my relationship with myself.
And it’s been so moving to me to hear from men who have become grandparents, who have shared with me their experiences of hugging their grandsons more because they could never show affection to their sons. I’ve heard from sons who speak about how they have wanted to repair their distant relationships with their fathers, and from fathers who wish they could go back in time and do more for their sons. I’ve heard from young men who have shared about being bullied each time they tried to be vulnerable, and from young men who admit to having been bullies because no one was ever empathetic to them growing up. I’ve also heard from a huge number of women—who have all wished there were more such conversations that would both help women understand men better, and for men to understand themselves better.
Failing the boys
These reactions have filled me with gratitude, but have also been heartbreaking in many ways because, even with all the ways we have progressed as a nation and society, we continue to fail our boys who long to be heard and seen, and who eventually embrace a toxicity that has been normalised as the only way men ‘must’ behave, only because we have been unable to create resources, tools and spaces for them to feel a little less lonely.
We’ve always spoken about how men are pushed by patriarchy to be oppressive towards women, and therefore how men need to build empathy for women. But I believe the greater challenge in front of us is to help men first learn to be compassionate to themselves, because only then will they be able to build the capacity to be kinder to the world outside.
Nikhil Taneja is a writer, producer, storyteller, public speaker, feeler of feelings, men’s mental health advocate and co-founder of Yuvaa
That Feeling When is a fortnightly column that offers a relatable take on mental health and emotional well-being.
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