How to know you are in a healthy relationship? Portland therapist shares 3 signs based on attachment research

A healthy relationship is not one without conflict, but one with the confidence that we can get over it together, Jeff Guenther explains.

Literature and films often paint romantic relationships in an idealised, carefree light. However, such is rarely the case in the real world. All relationships need work, and conflicts are as common as cardamom in biryani.

However, despite the efforts that partners need to put in to make it work, there are certain signs that point to relationships being healthy. Taking to Instagram on February 28, Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, shared three such signs based on attachment research.

1. Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable

If a person feels so safe with their partner that they can be vulnerable without the fear of punishment or abandonment, then it is a sign of a healthy relationship.

According to Jeff, research that goes back all the way to John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth (in the second half of the twentieth century) shows that secure attachment is built on the belief that one’s romantic partner is “a safe harbour,” and not “a threat.”

“If vulnerability in your relationship has ever gotten you punished, mocked or abandoned, that is probably not a ‘you’ problem,” noted Jeff. “It’s most likely an attachment problem.”

2. Nervous system co-regulation

The second sign of a healthy relationship is that the nervous system of one partner actually starts to settle down in the presence of the other. This is known as co-regulation, shared Jeff.

“Sue Johnson’s research on emotionally focused therapy shows that in secure relationships, partners literally help regulate each other’s nervous systems,” he stated.

This means that a person is not anxious around their partner as they are not performing any expected role. They are just being themselves, which actually relaxes the body.

3. Conflicts do not always feel threatening to the relationship

In a healthy relationship, conflicts still take place, but they do not feel like a threat to the existence of the relationship.

“In a secure attachment, you can disagree, even fight, without it activating an existential panic that everything is about to fall apart,” explained the therapist.

Psychologist Dr John M Gottman calls the phenomenon “Positive sentiment override.” This means that even when a couple is going through a conflict, they trust the relationship enough to survive during the hard conversations.

Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.

This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.