Body teri hot like Chinchilla fur: 10 worst songs of 2017 we were subjected to but somehow survived
Shah Rukh Khan, Akshay Kumar, Salman Khan’s films and more find mention in this list of the worst songs of the year.Updated: Dec 21, 2017 08:57 IST
Ah, the year-end! That jolly fun time when we look back at the sweetest memories we made on our way to complete yet another trip around the sun. Except the turdfest that was 2017, there isn’t really much to get fondly nostalgic about.
For a year as horrible as this one, it is only to be expected that we should countdown the worst of everything rather than the best.The worst Trump statements, the worst lynchings, the worst alt-right rallies and also, in between all that, the worst songs of 2017.
So take a seat, plug in your earphones, turn up the volume (or don’t...it will only bring you shame) and prepare yourself to bask in the stench of these 10 songs that enjoyed quite some attention this year, very undeservedly so.
1. Phurr, Jab Harry Met Sejal
This song by Pritam and Diplo is much like pineapple on pizza -- harmless and rather amazing on their own but when married together, it will only lead to resentment and a child no one wants the custody of.
Phurr, with its senseless lyrics...
Bullet charra uddna
Rass bharra uddna
Bull burra uddna
Koyi tharra uddna
Maar chharra uddna
Rass bharra uddna
Sur sur sur sur
Ho aatur ja nupur jaa jaa phurr
... dubstep beats unimaginatively kneaded in with harsh fists, white blonde models in monokinis, fake mist in California sun and Anushka Sharma trying to give a lap dance in capri pyjamas. Well, as a colleague said while I watched the video again for the purpose of this piece, this is what happens when you need a song three days before the film’s release.
2. Bol Aunty, Om Prakash Mishra AKA Rap King
On it’s own, it was just one of those songs that emotionally repressed teens make for other emotionally repressed teens. They talk about it in hushed tones at schools, play it on their phones just to shock their friends and forget it a week later when a ‘Sutta’ or a ‘Superman’ comes strutting along.
However, the protest against the song and the subsequent protest against the protest gave it a longer life in the public consciousness than what it deserved. It was horrible and didn’t need a second mention anywhere at all but the ugly death and rape threats levelled against a critic of the song made it one of the worst things to happen to 2017, thus earning it a spot on this list.
3. Mercy, Badshah
Another year, another Badshah song on the list. Mercy, with its 100 million views, starts off like a pretentious guy you met at a house party, whispering his conquests from last night at the bar, right into your ear.
Ruka na gaya main gaya ohde kol
I said I wanna talk
Oh kehndi mainu bol
Main ohde nehde jaa ke ohnu pucheya
Baby do you freak like you dance?
‘Cause you dance like a pro
I’m just gonna assume he wanted to use a particular another f-word in place of ‘freak.’ But really? It doesn’t even rhyme.
Jaise hilti hai waise math hila kar
Laghe mujhe rahegi Rabb se mila kar
Body teri hotter than Chinchilla fur
Teri maa ne tujhe bada kiya kya khila ka
Firstly, how does he know how warm Chinchilla fur is? I’m calling PETA on him.
4. Generic Sunny Leone Songs
Today on Mediocrechef Bollywood, we’ll teach you the recipe to making a generic Sunny Leone song. First off, we’ll need our main ingredient, 45 kgs of fresh Sunny Leone. Set the pan on extreme heat by making her wear a tight glittery bodycon or a baby lehenga-choli that desperately wants to run off her body and back to its mommy.
Next, we add a finely chopped rapper. You can choose from Badshah, Raftaar or the exquisite Lil Golu, they all have the same flavour anyway. Don’t forget the key ingredient: a raspy female singer. Again, choose from the wide variety of Neha Kakkar, Swati Singh, Shivi and the likes.
Finally, garnish with some lyrics about drinking daaru, seizing the day to have all the sex, repeated pelvic thrusts, chest heaves, lens flares and voila! You have something entirely useless to the film’s plot and a generic little Sunny Leone song.
Here’s what you can expect:
Piya more bhole bhole
Move your body slowly slowly
Le chale jahan tu
Sang saath jaana hai
In which world is Emraan Hashmi ever bhole?
Ho gun ka shot laage lu
Ho ganda thought laage lu
Ho baby hot laage lu
Now tell me what to do
Drown yourself in shame is what you should do.
Floor pe jaake tu gussa nikaal
Jo mere samne chhedega ladki ko
Chaante padenge, ki neeyat sambhaal
Next Time Person of The Year has to be Raftaar.
5. Has Mat Pagli, Toilet Ek Prem Katha
Has Mat Pagli warna stalker photu lelega.
It was weird already when we read it on two-seaters in Noida and somehow Akshay Kumar managed to make the phrase weirder by turning it into a ‘romantic’ song about stalking women and clicking their pictures without permission. No it’s not ‘kyaut’ to have a random stranger you met in a train toilet, climb trees in your college so he can click a photo or follow you around all day.
Stop kyaut-ifying stalker behaviour. Leave the overconfidence to truck drivers.
6. Hawa Hawa, Mubarakan
Bro koi mereko bolega ki jaake ek gaana bana, chill kar, maze maar. Main jaake ek purane gaane ki aisi taisi kardega bro.
Hawa Hawa Ae Hawa
Khushboo Luta De
Hawa Hawa Ae Hawa
Mujhko Uda Le
Boyfriend Bana Le
Kisi Aur Ko Pata Le
How did we let this happen?
Alright, the older one wasn’t the greatest we ever had either but this is just too brutal a massacre for any crime.
7. Dilon Ka Shooter, Dhinchak Pooja
Even the camera knows she isn’t worthy of a focus.
Mother Dhinchak Pooja blessed us again with her heart attack of a song, Dilon Ka Shooter Hai Mera Scooter, this year. Basking in the shameless glory of 10 million views (plus another very guilty one for the purpose of this list), the song is ... just horrible.
With help of people like you and me, who write and read about it, we got Dhinchak out of YouTube and on our television sets in Bigg Boss. So let’s make a pact, this is the last time we mention she who must no longer be mentioned.
Why are you even reading this anymore? What new filth can I spew about this song? Do I really need to explain why it deserves a mention here? Hop along.
8. Swag Se Swagat, Tiger Zinda Hai
I’d rather have some Pan Parag.
Sallu bhai raps in this one and rocks from side to side as Katrina slithers all over him giving the illusion that both of them are dancing. Bhai is so cunning no? What can he do really? The bulging rock solid biceps most likely don’t even let him sleep on his sides, let alone allow him to move more than two bones at a time.
Anyway, the welcome song is created for what? Welcoming the abducted nurses back to safety? Why are they in Greece? Sabko gale lagana apne culture ki hai aadat? LOL. So not 2017.
9. Ding Dang, Munna Michael
Kabhi gaddi mein le jaao
Kabhi shopping karaao
Har roz yeh tang karti hai
Meri waali ding-dang ding-dang…
Ding-dang ding-dang ding daang karti hai
Hain? Kya karti hai? But really, how dare she ask for my company?
Mujhe Whatsapp yeh karta hai
Location check karta hai
Tum yahan pe na jaana
Tum wahan pe na jaana
Sara roz yeh shaq karta hai
Leave him, gurl, he’s toxic.
10. Bandook Meri Laila, A Gentleman
Aaye haaye haaye
Yeh goli daayein baayein jaaye
Har disha mein yeh vishphot kardi ae
Uh. Try a sock next time maybe.
First someone needs to tell me if he thinks the girl he loves is like a gun (Laila is like a bandook) or if the gun is his girlfriend and he needs no female human being in his life (bandook is like a Laila). Such depth. Wow.
Also, people at T-Series can’t spell ‘Reload.’
Follow @htshowbiz for more
First Published: Dec 21, 2017 08:53 IST