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Witerati: The great Indian un-groom on Zoom
New Normal’s tribes of Zoomers have perfected the online ‘Art of Leaving’. And how!
The new POTUS Joe Biden may be deliberating the political correctness of the guest list at his inauguration, in particular Donald Trump’s attendance, but what is concerning lesser mortals in the New Normal narrative is another kind of attendance – Zoom roll call.
When a couple of us humorists congregated virtually some days ago, it was not only an occasion to do our boom on Zoom. It also became a stage to spotlight some species of Zoomers who have perfected New Normal’s Art of e-Attending, with or without boom, dhoom or groom. And also, the Art of Leaving (a pandemic art that may threaten stiff competition to Sri Sri’s ‘Art of Living’)!
Art of Leaving
The most popular tribe of us Zoomers is those who turn off videos while marking their presence.
If the title of the Chetan Bhagat’s novel Half Girlfriend could be tweaked to best describe this new species, it would be thus – Half Zoomer.
Half there, half not there.
That is, present on the audio, but absent on the video. Alas, this half-heartedness can sometimes spell pitfalls that are hard to swallow. Literally.
As a senior colleague recently shared, after putting in a video presence on a Zoom meeting, he turned off his video to partake of dinner. He was in the midst of chomping on Chettinad curry and sundry savories when his earphones sounded an alert as he heard the host announce his name. “Now, Mr X will say a few words on today’s topic.”
Caught off guard, he hastily swallowed the supper, speedier than Trump is wont to eat humble pie, and being endowed with the gift of the gab, thankfully prattled some lines with panache.
The curious case of ‘One Swallow Does Not A Zoomer Make’.
Anonymous, ahoy!
Then there are the Zoomaholics Anonymous. They are unlikely to be caught off guard like the aforesaid colleague or be invited to babble impromptu speeches.
Pray, why not? Simply because the host can’t spot them on screen as they haven’t logged in by name.
Instead, they’re mask-uerading under device names.
Whilst we humorists were trying to talk of the humour genre seriously, we found the detective genre bestirring in our bosoms. Invisible invitees began entering the session midway but the Zoom grid identified them only by curious device names.
The best twist came when in the middle of our mirth, there popped on the grid a brand name that had more to do with girth.
Ample’s iPad.
This seemed so like China ‘mask-uerading’ as a clone of America’s “Apple” called “Ample”!
Alarm bells did a boom at the back of my mind, “Had an invisible intruder hacked into our Zoom outing?”.
The curious case of Zooming not only spiritedly, but also as ‘spirits’.
Neither Hair Nor There
When Zoomers come, can Lollita, Lamba ji & Co be far behind!
Picture this. Lollita is on a family reunion Zoom call to celebrate the 90th birthday of a maternal uncle. But she hasn’t dared to switch on the video, for her hair bear an (un)poetic resemblance to a porcupine plagued by a bad hair day.
Since her hairdresser “Spruce Lee” is inaccessible in semi-Lockdown plus, in keeping with India’s “Chini Kum” narrative, it may not be politically correct to allow this chinky-eyed Chinese hairstylist into domestic terrain, it befalls Lamba ji to do the honours of treating her tresses to groom whilst she does her Zoom.
But trust Lamba ji, while fumbling for the scissors near her iPad, to brush past her touchscreen clumsily enough to bring her video blinking alive. Abrupt-Lee!
That too when only the right half of her hair are blow-dried and left half still in curlers..
The curious case of “Honey, I bunk the grids.”
