What’s this life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare

There is a theme that I began to see in therapy sessions in 2020, and which I continue to see well after the pandemic. A steadily increasing number of clients are reporting how they feel tired, exhausted and continually lethargic

There is a theme that I began to see in therapy sessions in 2020, and which I continue to see well after the pandemic. A steadily increasing number of clients are reporting how they feel tired, exhausted and continually lethargic. I hear people tell me that even when they get pockets of rest and opportunity to relax, they either can’t get themselves to relax, or they don’t feel rested even after a weekend. I feel, we are living at a time where we need to reimagine rest and ask ourselves how to make space for it in our daily lives.

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In this age of hustle and optimization, rest gets a bad rap. We seem to forget that how productive we are in the long run is clearly a function of how and when we choose to pause. The absence of rest or inability to rest can have a huge impact on our wellbeing, patience, and tolerance thresholds and most importantly on our inter-personal relationships. Burnout at a professional level, inability to savor success and then the inability to be fully present and enjoy personal relationships is a price we pay if we are continually on a hamster wheel, doing things and refusing to pause. The worry with this lens is that a lot of the times, without even realizing, we step into a ‘doing mindset’ rather than a ‘being mindset’. As a result, our loved ones and those around us may feel that moments which need to be felt and enjoyed, often end up getting reduced to an item on our task list that needs to be done and ticked off the list. A 44-year-old female client mentioned to me, “My husband refuses to rest and constantly has things on his to-do list. This means on Sunday, he wants to maximize the time he spends with the kids and engage them in activities. He seems to forget that kids are older and sometimes they just want quiet family time and stay indoors. This weekend, the kids had an argument with him where they mentioned how he’s never flexible and how he doesn’t know how to relax, so they constantly feel guilty about resting and end up participating in activities even though they are tired.” The reality is that our inability to rest can make others feel diminished and in turn take us away from the possibility of spontaneous plans, free flowing fun conversations and then just enjoying our loved one’s presence. Our ability to be happy, experience vitality, witness connection lies in moments when we allow ourselves to pause, savor and soak the experiences.

Very often in therapy I ask clients to journal or maintain a log of what their exhaustion looks like for them and to write down what kind of rest they are seeking. I specifically, ask them, “What will allow you to feel calmer and slowly regain your energy?’

What I have figured is that identifying the kind of rest we need may be crucial. Sometimes when we are overwhelmed, we need sensory rest which may mean taking time away from devices and screens. Choosing to spend time in nature, sitting with eyes closed and if it helps combine it with physical rest where you allow yourself to rest, sleep or engage in an exercise. There are other times when we feel socially overextended, and on those occasions, we need to spend time alone, engage in activities that allow us a state of flow and offer opportunities for self-soothing. This could include meditation or listening to music. If you feel that you are constantly in your own head and unable to relax, then physical and creative rest is what is needed: engaging in a task that evokes awe, wonder and which is immersive. If you feel lethargic and a certain inertia, possibly stepping out of your home and engaging in micro interactions will reenergize you.

In moments where I find myself struggling to rest and build space for it, I remind myself of a quote by a French composer Claude Debussy, “Music is the space, between the notes.” Maybe we all need to remind ourselves of this silence, and see rest as a sacred space.