Britannia rules skies

Desis light up in relief as soon as the word ?fresh? is uttered by the weather forecaster, writes Dr Saumya Balsari.

Someone who loves British weather at last! The endorsement comes from (no, not the Queen) Woody Allen, speaking at Cannes this year. “The weather [in Britain] is cool and the skies are grey. It’s perfect for me,” he said. I asked Veejay Prakash as he was buying coriander whether he agreed on the weather, i.e. with Allen’s words of praise. He gave me The Look and said, “You must be barking mad.” Perhaps it was the wrong time to catch him with a quick question and no lifelines. Buying coriander is serious business. It’s easy to make a mistake when it’s bunched into a dew-dotted plastic bag. I almost bought parsley that way, but the quick-witted Asian grocer spotted the mistake (no self-respecting desi buys bags of parsley along with basmati).

Veejay Prakash apart, desis would agree with Allen. There are sufficient numbers of the Kashmiri shawl brigade who actually like British weather. They also fan themselves in frenzy when it gets too hot, which is two (alright, three?) days out of 365. Desis look forward to the nightly forecast of bad weather as they would an Asian soap – both are never-ending but unpredictable (real soap of the neem variety is also never-ending and entirely predictable, but that’s entirely another matter).

Desis light up in relief as soon as the word “fresh” is uttered by the weather forecaster to signal the end of the fleet-footed British summer. Byron had described it perfectly: “The English winter – ending in July/To recommence in August”. In any case, muggy British nights remind desis of the flies and mosquitoes left behind in the mother country. Unlike steaming hot, succulent jalebis, Indian insects are not missed by desis. The prospect of further rain therefore generates excitement rather than gloom. Remember, like everyone else in Britain, desis actually need British weather for conversation - not everyone wants to talk about sons and daughters past marriageable age, tax or wax at Sweetie’s Beauty Parlour.

“Cool under skies of grey”. This may soon become a catchphrase for British Airways. Tourists from all over the world should shun sun, sea and sand to flock to these fair isles where right now, as Coleridge once put it, “Summer has set in with all its severity.” Britain should be marketed as a honeymoon paradise, where it always rains for at least a week (two, if you are lucky) outside the hotel room. For the chosen few, it might even rain inside the room if there’s a leaky ceiling. A huddle in a puddle is guaranteed in Britain. Remember Frank Loesser’s immortal lines from 1949: She: I really can’t stay

He: But baby it’s cold outside.

After buying his coriander, Veejay Prakash should really pull up his socks (it’s too cold for sandals) and take pride in British weather. Desis of a feather flock together, whatever the weather.

(Saumya Balsari is the author of the comic novel 'The Cambridge Curry Club', and wrote a play for Kali Theatre Company's Futures last year. She has worked as a freelance journalist in London, and is currently writing a second novel.)