I miss you, Ma
Our surfer Natasha Gayari, who left her hometown Assam for Delhi, five years ago, misses her mom in the city's fast- paced life. Her letter reveals it all.Updated: May 12, 2007 16:50 IST
It's been long since I wrote to you last. I think I was in college then. How are you doing Ma? I am almost inclined to say that I have been keeping so busy that I couldn't call you.
But, as always, you will tell me it's ok. I know it hurts you, yet you wouldn't let me know of the pain you feel when I say so. Why do you tend to forgive me always?
I am doing fine Ma. It's just that once in a while I feel that it's a crazy world out there. And in a very selfish manner let me admit that, that is when I think of you.
When I want to give up on the pressures of life, it is only then that I miss you. I am sorry. I don't know why I do this to you. But please, let me assure you that deep in my heart I am always thankful to you.
There have been times when I am surprised by my own behaviour and it reminds me of the things you always told me, the lessons you gave me. You taught me to be a nice girl, a responsible woman. How I disliked you then for your sermons!
I always wanted to believe that I was different. It is now that I have started realising that I owe to you for everything good in me.
I know I was a stubborn and demanding child. But you always loved me unconditionally. I was pleasantly surprised when you told aunty last year what a nice child I was and that I bothered you so little. I don't think I deserve so much Ma, because sometimes I take your love for granted and hurt you.
After high school I started seeking my own space and some kind of a self identity. In all the confusion within me, I sought solace in my friends who, I thought, forever belonged to me.
I wanted to fly away to a world (sic Delhi) that I now feel is not very welcoming. In all my excitement to understand life and soak in all that it had to offer me, I never heeded your advice and instead considered your aititude outdated. But you never complained.
You told me to be wary of men who might fail to honour my womanhood. Yet, I acted in all brashness and later shed so much tears. My heart was bleeding Ma, but you never told me, "I told you so".
I was so hurt that I started thinking men are good for nothing. But then you reminded me of father who loves you so much. Ma, now I realise it fully well why you told me to be careful in love. Coz you always want me to be happy.
My work is going on fine, Ma. I put in my best effort as you always taught me to. I try and do my work sincerely and be nice to my seniors and collegues.
But sometimes when I cannot deal with the pressure I feel angry and frustrated. I don't know what to do then. I feel lonely, Ma. Is it ok to feel so? I have seen you smile during difficult times. I wonder how you manage to do that. I know you are a brave woman. I still have so much to learn from you.
Ma, When is your next appointment with the ENT? Please take your medicines on time. Tell father to read this letter for you and please ask him to be patient when you tell him to repeat a word or line. I am sure he will be jealous of you receiving this letter from me. But tell father that I can always talk to him on phone.
I know you want to ask me when could I come home to meet you. I don't know Ma. Work at office is increasing due to my company's expansion. I don't think I will be granted leave at this moment. But I will try and speak to my boss for leave in a few months' time. Till then, please take care Ma. I miss you.