Tune in, turn on: Make runs, not dot balls
Master and Johnson's, oh shoot, Kirsten and Upton's performance manual to our boys in blue before their Champions Trophy matches should revolutionise the way we play cricket, writes Indrajit Hazra.india Updated: Sep 24, 2009 02:06 IST
Master and Johnson's, oh shoot, Kirsten and Upton's performance manual to our boys in blue before their Champions Trophy matches should revolutionise the way we play cricket. It should also usher a much-postponed sexual revolution that we avoided when some other parts of the repressed world (not all cricket-playing) took to the Pill as if they had discovered Mike Gatting's reverse sweep.
True, the two South Africans responsible for tucking our players in have brought some virile vim and vigour into the championship in South Africa. But what did you expect from two people whose currency is rands? For them not to be randy? Instead, they tell their younger warriors to have sex - not on the pitch, of course, because the ICC just wouldn't allow that, but before scoring on the field to firm up the old relationship between testosterone levels and the male cover drive.
Which makes me wonder what Tillakeratne Dilshan was up to on Monday night? Dilshan's 106 off 92 balls was not only virile but also begat the solid total of 319 for eight that the Lankans notched up. South Africa's performance anxiety was doubly understandable.
Not only was this their first match of a tournament in front of home voyeurs, but they hadn't playing international cricket since June. Which, if one flips the Kirsten-Upton manual around, could suggest that they have been abstaining from the activity that makes run-chasing such a crypto-erotic thrill.
To be honest, I went off to sleep when things got wet and the covers came out. The next morning, after dreaming of both Duckworth and Lewis in a liplock, I heard the news of the 55-run Sri Lankan victory from a friend. My phone had been on vibrator.
And I felt good. So I guess that made me the total alpha male as I got ready the next day to watch the sado-masochistic encounter between Pakistan and West Indies.
P.S. I hear that Yuvraj Singh has injured his finger before India's opening match against Pakistan on Saturday. He should have read the footnote where Kirsten-Upton talk about the perils of premature enthusiasm.